How Negative Self-Beliefs Can Impact Your Life

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How we see ourselves and how we engage with the world doesn’t happen by chance. Unconscious beliefs are learned in childhood as a function of conditioning. How a child learns to think of themselves is often a product of modeling and imitation—their parents and caregivers model their own self-beliefs and the child learns and adapts accordingly.

A similar pattern can also be seen in self-limiting beliefs which are based on negative thoughts, feelings, opinions, or values a person holds about themselves. Negative beliefs put limitations and unnecessary boundaries on what a person believes they are worth or what they think they are capable of doing. When negative self-beliefs are in play, they can keep a person “stuck” in their comfort zone, or settling for less than they are worth. When a person begins to interpret a situation in a negative manner, this can create a negative bias about the situation which negatively reinforces how they see themselves.

There are several key factors in how self-limiting beliefs are learned and reinforced. These include:

• Making comparisons between self and others.
• An abusive or invalidating environment in childhood.
• Inherited (learned) biases.
• Mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.
• Modeling and imitation from family, friends, colleagues, or community.

There are many types of limiting self-beliefs that can develop and can keep a person stuck in a perpetual pattern of self-defeating behavior. Some of the common beliefs include:

• I am unworthy of love.
• I am a horrible person.
• I cannot trust anyone in my life.
• Everything is my fault.
• I do not deserve happiness.

However, three of the most common limiting self-beliefs often include the following:

I Am Not Good Enough. This is one of the most common limiting self-beliefs and one that typically impacts many areas of a person’s life. This limiting belief is a cognitive distortion that is often learned early in a person’s life from an abusive and invalidating environment, which then gets carried with them into their adult life. It should not be too hard to imagine that if a child grows up hearing that they’re worthless, useless, or other abusive and cruel criticisms, this can shape how a child sees themselves, which can result in a pattern of limiting self-beliefs.

If a child is taught to wrongly believe they aren’t “good enough,” this can spiral into an adulthood of perfectionism, workaholism, procrastination, or self-sabotaging behaviors to either try and outrun feeling unworthy, or to “validate” their alleged lack of worth by engaging in self-defeating patterns.

I’m Fine. I Don’t Need Help. This cognitive distortion hides behind denial and ego, both of which keep this distortion in play. A hard truth is that we will all need help and support at one time or another in our lives. If a person was conditioned early in their lives to wrongly believe that asking for help or needing emotional support is a sign of weakness, this inevitably can condition a pattern of ego-based behavior, including being seen as arrogant or entitled.

Underneath this facade are often unmet needs to feel safe, heard, and seen, along with misbeliefs that asking for help must mean there is something “wrong” with them. This conditioned mindset perpetuates denial and Ego-based self-serving behavior and can limit a person in emotional growth.

I Need To “Fix” This About Myself Before I Can Do That. This cognitive distortion walks hand-in-hand with not feeling “good enough” and creates self-judgment, self-sabotage, and a pattern of procrastination. If a person struggles with believing there is something they need to “fix” about themselves before they will be seen as worthy, then the underlying fears may be associated with being judged or fearing abandonment.

For example, if a child grew up being body-shamed, as an adult they may struggle with having a healthy body image. They may resort to crash dieting, excessive or dangerous workout routines, eating disorders, or invasive and dangerous fads in an attempt to “fix” themselves so they can be seen as more worthy or accepted in the eyes of others.

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Healing the Pattern

Overcoming a pattern of self-limiting beliefs can be challenging. A person first needs to recognize what limiting self-beliefs may be operating in their life on an unconscious level by beginning to assess for patterns of self-sabotage or self-defeating behavior. Once the limiting self-beliefs are identified, challenging them by reframing how you think of them and yourself is a critical step in overcoming self-defeating patterns. However, because limiting beliefs often stem from attachment trauma, working with a therapist who specializes in relational trauma may also be helpful.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.