Do You Have Situational Narcissism?

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I have coined the term “Situational Narcissism” to describe the acquisition of Narcissistic values by a person who does not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can catch "Situational Narcissism" either through bonding with a Narcissist or by spending a great deal of time in a group or culture that embraces typically Narcissistic values.

What do I mean?

The easiest Narcissistic trait to pick up is that of buying into the prevailing Status Hierarchy and its values. Let’s start with a simple one to look at (pun intended)—Physical Attractiveness.

Example 1—Am I pretty enough?

Sherry is a very pretty, bosomy, slightly plump blond woman. Men had always liked her and she had felt very confident of her appeal. Most guys found her voluptuous curves and her sweet disposition an irresistible combination.

Then she met Brad, a wealthy Narcissistic businessman. At first, he seemed very attracted to her and showered her with gifts and attention. Sherry fell wildly in love with Brad and believed that he felt the same way about her. She expected that he would propose to her any day now.

Unfortunately, Brad was actually a “leg man” and liked his women a bit taller and leaner than Sherry—and he felt entitled to get everything he wanted.

Once he got used to the idea that Sherry was “his,” Brad set about remodeling her so that she was closer to his type. He insisted she wear higher heels and shorter skirts to make her legs appear longer and he also suggested that she might want to drop 15 pounds as well. When she tried to say that she was happy with how she looked, he started to work on her:

If you really love me, you would want to please me. Don’t you want me to be happy?

Sherry tried to please Brad, but all his focus on improving her was starting to make her uncomfortable. Brad did not give up. He started to try and get her to see herself through his eyes in order to bend her to his will by making her insecure:

You are almost beautiful. With just a little work you could be stunning. Every man would want you.

He had Sherry stand in front of a full length mirror while he pointed out her flaws:

See, your breasts are a bit big compared to the length of your legs. It throws your proportions off and makes you look “common,” not classy. If you drop some weight and wear higher heels, that would compensate and you would look much more elegant in clothing.

By the time I met Sherry, she was an emotional wreck. She had bought into Brad’s view of her and had lost her self-confidence. She plaintively told me: I used to feel pretty, but now I feel second class.

Example 2—Am I pretty enough: Part 2

My client Jane told me the following story:

I have always felt attractive. I come from a small town in England where I was considered quite pretty. I was never self-conscious until I got to London. The girls that I saw there used more makeup and got manicures. So I copied them and eventually got the hang of it and started to feel pretty again.

Then I moved to New York City. That was a whole different league! New York women—I can’t call them girls because they looked and sounded too sophisticated for that—were so polished. I began to feel inadequate compared to them. I no longer felt pretty enough.

Eventually, I figured out how to up my game. I got a trendy haircut, discovered dark nail polish, and started wearing black all the time like everyone else.

Then I moved to California and took a job in Los Angeles. A weird thing happened. I no longer felt attractive enough. LA standards for grooming, weight, and beauty were even higher than NYC’s. I just couldn’t compete with all those perfect, slim, beautiful, women.

It was really depressing! I had to leave and come back to New York for my mental health. I used to think well of myself and had a lot of self-confidence. Now I am very insecure and confused. I look in the mirror sometimes and all I see are my flaws.

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Example 3—“Country Club Eyes”

My client Bob, a married man in his 40’s with two children, entered psychotherapy because his wife Christine was thinking of leaving him. She told him: You used to be a nice guy. I liked being around you. Now, you have turned into an entitled, devaluing, Narcissistic snob.

I evaluated Bob and concluded that he did not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nor was there anything in his past that suggested this diagnosis. I wondered what had happened to make Bob change so drastically.

Bob explained the situation this way:

I love my wife and children and do not want a divorce. I really don’t know how we got into this situation. Everything has gone downhill since we joined a country club. I was just trying to give my family a better life and learn how to play golf. Instead everything that was good about our relationship got endangered. I want to walk things back to how they were before.

Both Christine and I were brought up in typical middle class families. I had some luck at work and we ended up with more money than we had ever expected. The guys at work all play golf and belong to fancy country clubs. I wanted to fit in and golf sounded like fun. I’ve worked hard and would like to enjoy myself. And it’s not just about me. I thought Christine would enjoy the country club too. The kids could learn tennis and we could all look forward to leisurely weekends at the Club pool. It sounded like a wonderful way to live.

“So what happened?” I asked. Bob said:

I guess it started from the first day we showed up at the Club. We arrived in our new Toyota and were directed to the helps’ parking lot. Christine laughed about it, but I was really embarrassed. I realized the Club’s members rarely drove anything less expensive than a BMW or a Mercedes. I was determined to fit in and knew I wouldn’t be happy until we got a better car. Christine pointed out that this was silly, because we were both perfectly happy with our new Toyota until then.

Next, I noticed that the women at the Club dressed differently than Christine. I wanted her to fit in too, so I suggested that she go shopping for some new designer clothing. You would think she would be delighted, but that is not how she took my suggestion. She said that she didn’t want to turn into a new person, just to fit in with people she didn’t even know yet.

I guess I started to believe that we did not measure up to the standards I saw around us now, and after a while everything I saw seemed normal. I have always liked to fit in and I don’t mind making a few changes to do so. Christine felt very differently. She suggested that we quit the Club because it was ruining out marriage. I didn’t want to and we started to have big fights about this. Christine’s solution was to suggest that there were other places I could play golf that were more in line with our value system. But my value system has changed and hers hasn’t.

This previously happy marriage was now in trouble. Bob had developed what I call, “Country Club Eyes.” He now saw everything through the Narcissistic lens of “Is this good enough?” including Christine. He had changed and he did not want to have to choose between his new life and his marriage.

How did this happen?

This is a case where the very traits that contributed to Bob’s success in life--his adaptability, his desire to fit in, and his flexible value system—made Bob more susceptible to “Situational Narcissism.” His country club was hierarchal and status conscious and pretty soon Bob was as well. Christine, on the other hand, was much less susceptible to “Situational Narcissism” because she was less flexible to start with and did not care very much about what other people thought of her. This basic difference created a strain on their otherwise happy marriage.

Punchline: Most of us are biologically designed to accept the prevailing values of those around us and try to fit in. When those values are shallow and Narcissistic, our adaptability can work against us. That is when “Situational Narcissism” can take hold. When it does, we lose touch with our real values and start to measure our self-worth against some unproductive and unreasonable Narcissistic standard. The usual result is a decrease in our self-esteem and sometimes the destruction of previously happy relationships.

This article is based on a Quora.com post: What are some narcissistic traits you got because of being in a relationship with a narcissist? (7/19/18)