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Formspring is a new social networking site, popular among teens, where you set up an account and let anonymous peers ask you questions, snark about your clothes or sexual behavior or haircut, or tell you why they didn’t invite you to their party.
It's like Facebook, except your name and information is public and everyone else is anonymous. And all those anonymous people can post anything they want on your Wall.
In an article in today’s NY Times, a freshman subscriber says “Nice stuff is not why you get it . . . I think it’s interesting to find out what people really think that they don’t have the guts to say to you. If it’s hurtful, you have to remind yourself that it doesn’t really mean anything.”
It doesn't mean anything? Then why do we do this to ourselves?
I know the temptation myself. As a professor, it is tempting to go to sites like rateyourprofessor.com and read what your students have to say about you. There’s the horrible fascination of student evaluations, where you hear all the good and bad from the anonymous writers you have been grading all semester. And then there’s always the nasty thrill of searching those college ‘confessional’ sites where people anonymously complain about their gripe of the moment, looking for your name.
It's like picking at a scab.
I’ve learned not to do it – one of the many small self-disciplines that comes with age. But I know why I'm tempted. Like the high school freshman quoted above, I want to know what people think of me. Really think of me. In my heart of hearts, I want to know that people like me. Yes, there are nasty comments. But there are often people who say sweet things. Or defend you from the nasty ones. Or who say how great you are. And those gems in the mud feel really good.
Then there’s the titillation factor. There’s the nervous exhilaration and anticipation – the tension – as you get ready to read those anonymous posts. Waiting for the attack. Your sympathetic-adrenal-medullary system pumping out hormones, readying your flight or fight response.
There are a couple of things about tension that people like.
First, it feels so good when it stops. It really does. The relief is inherently rewarding.
Second, lots of GOOD things are associated with tension and arousal – think of sex. Or whitewater rafting. Skiing.
People are notoriously bad labeling the emotional valence of arousal. It’s a generalized response that we only give an emotional label to based on situational cues.
With teens, something else is going on, I think. Teens – especially early teens – are in the process of finding out who they are separate from their parents. This is part of the normal development of autonomy. Normatively, in the transition to true autonomy, kids identify strongly with their peers. They don’t really have an individual identity yet. They have a group identity. Crowds – seeing yourself as a jock or a skateboarder or a nerd – peaks at this age. Who am I? I’m a theater geek.
Early adolescence is also the time when peer conformity peaks. Kids are most sensitive to being like everyone else just at the time when they are first becoming more autonomous and first trying to find out who they are as individuals. Ironic, but true.
All of which I think contributes to the popularity of these sites to early adolescents.
- It is exciting and titillating.
- It gives them feedback about conformity and how they fit in.
- It lets them fit in – everyone is doing it.
But at this age, I expect anonymous internet interactions are more hurtful than probably at any other age period. There are three reasons.
First, in the process of identity development, we come to see ourselves based upon the feedback other people give to us. Mead talked about this phenomenon as the the reflected self. The more self-confident we are – and the more we are sure of our identity – the less our sense of who we are is influenced by others. It may still be painful, but it doesn’t change our sense of self. There are individual differences in this at all ages. But early teens are most vulnerable. And kids with low self-esteem, who haven't been told their whole life that they are loved, and special, and worth being treating well, are most vulnerable of all.
Second, this is the period where kids start defining themselves abstractly – less in terms of objective, concrete characteristics (I read well, I like baseball) and more in terms of abstract characteristics (I’m intelligent, I’m artistic, I’m popular). Thus kids have less evidence to base their self-evaluations on. They rely on what others tell them.
Third, this is when people are most interested in peers.
Unfortunately, all of these developmental factors converge in early adolescence. These factors, combined with the well documented tendency of people to become more negative and nasty and hurtful towards others when acting anonymously and in groups, make internet sites like Formspring a dangerous place for kids. And also a very tempting place to be.
© 2010 Nancy Darling. All Rights Reserved
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A piece from Monday's NY Times discusses how younger adults are more likely to protect their privacy on-line than older ones. I know that when we discuss the job search process for college seniors, we specifically address the issue of self-presentation on Facebook and other networking sites. However, the issue of peers is not addressed.
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Another Times piece:
Good advice when your kid is the bully - and they are if they on sites like this. Contrary to stereotypes, most kids who bully are also bullied - and that doesn't make it any less painful for either party.
