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Why do some people simply age and others develop a deeper knowing with age? Is wisdom something that is learned or is it part of the natural evolution of getting older?
I have the sense that how we age is the culmination of how we live our lives in every moment. If we live as if everything is a teaching, every situation, an opportunity to reflect and to grow, every feeling, in some way connected to our history, we will arrive at old age in a very different state than if we simply go to sleep and wake every day, never really noticing the moments or days of our lives as they fly by.
It is easy to get old. It doesn’t take any fancy stepping, other than maybe looking both ways before you cross the street or staying away from too much unhealthy food. Sure, it is an accomplishment to get to a ripe old age, but a greater accomplishment would be to get there feeling that you’ve learned a few things, that you’ve done pretty well, and that maybe you even have a few gifts to share with the world.
Older people certainly have much to share, but often they either don’t realize it or more likely, they feel hopeless that anyone really cares to hear what they have to say. Hopelessness does seem to come with the territory, at least, in this culture, where the elderly are not particularly valued or cherished. In other cultures, it is different. In Japan, the older generation is revered, honored and respected. How different would it be if the same were true here, where aging is more of a profound insult and everything to be avoided.
In this society, we must do whatever we can to appear younger than we are. If we don’t, we are “letting ourselves go.” It is a judgment we unconsciously, or maybe consciously, lay on each other. If we don’t dye our grey hair, if we don’t keep exercising, if our bodies and our minds slow down, then we are accepting defeat. Aging can be seen as a kind of laziness as if we really have a choice in the matter. Though it may be true that we have a certain amount of free will regarding how we age, that we age is inevitable… unless, of course, we die young. Aging doesn’t happen because we are failures. Though it is true that there is a natural running down, an entropy that cannot be avoided, what is interesting to me is to think about how we can manage our aging gracefully.
The best thing I did in my early old age was to get serious about writing that memoir I never finished. It was a painful journey for more reasons than I have time to go into here, and it took over my life, but it was definitely enlivening. I learned so much and find that I look forward to waking up every day strategizing my next steps in getting my book into the world. Having a project that excites you or gives your life meaning is a great way to make sense of the extra time afforded by old age.
Is there something that you have always wanted to do? Would you consider adding a big new project into your life, particularly after you’ve completed other big projects like raising kids, retiring, or taking care of others? If not, what is in the way? Are you tired? What would it take to stand up to that feeling that your batteries are running down? One idea might be to reach out to a treasured friend to explore some ideas of what you might want to do next. Perhaps you might join a group of people with similar interests, or you might possibly decide to take a writing class or an art class at a community college. Another idea is to consider joining a therapy group, or you might want to work one-on-one with a therapist to express some of the grief that is such an inevitable part of aging. Having someone listen and lend support can make a huge difference in how you feel. I encourage you to take hold of this one precious life of yours no matter your age and make it the best it can be.
You can read more about Ilene's therapy work at her Psychology Today therapist page: ilene-english.
