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Why Do So Many People Loathe Themselves?
How to cultivate self-compassion and self-love.
Posted July 8, 2024 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Many people struggle with self-loathing and a lack of self-compassion.
- A lack of self-compassion is at the root of many cases of depression and addiction.
- Feeling disconnected from our true nature can drive feelings of self-loathing. But it's possible to reconnect.
Have you noticed that more and more people seem to be dealing with mental health challenges than in years past? This shift first came to greater light during the COVID-19 pandemic, when we were forced to socially isolate in our homes to avoid spreading the virus. For some, there was little to do during the lockdowns except confront our thoughts and feelings.
Mental health challenges have always existed, but many were long obscured by distractions and the constant "doing" that modern society demands of us. It is only when we were forced to stop this incessant doing that some people finally discovered an uncomfortable truth about themselves: Not only do they lack self-love, but they may even loathe themselves.
Two of society’s modern ills, depression and addiction, are closely tied to self-loathing. As a critical care physician, I have treated many patients who suffered from severe depression and tried to kill themselves—thankfully unsuccessfully in most cases. I have also cared for many patients who are addicted to various substances and have overdosed, leading to hospitalisation.
After engaging with many these of patients, the common denominator among them was that they had no self-compassion. This self-loathing, I discovered, was at the root of their depression and was often so painful that it led to addiction.
The question is: Why do people loathe themselves so much? I argue that it has to do with false identity.
Very few people truly know who they are and identify with superficial aspects of their identity. This could be their emotions, many of which are suppressed due to the pain they cause; their negative thoughts, which often arise from adverse childhood experiences; the roles they play, which do not do justice to the depth of who they truly are; their relationships, many of which are challenged and troubled; or what society tells them they are.
Few people have had the benefit of forging their unique identity outside of societal influences, such as their parents, extended family, or peer group; the education system; societal expectations; government influences; and social media, mass media, marketing and advertising, and popular culture. When this happens, we often take on other people’s agendas instead of following our heart’s path.
If this continues long enough, we may become so conditioned by the world around us that we never seek to discover who we truly are and what truly moves and inspires us. When we lose touch with our own identity and start to identify with the world’s expectations of us, we are living out of alignment with our true nature.
This, I believe, is when self-loathing and a lack of self-compassion set in.
If we let go of outer conditioning altogether, we can penetrate to the depths of our being and uncover our deepest selves. Some people prefer to refer to this as the "soul," "spirit," or simply energy. Whatever you call it, it is the essence of who we are. Many who have discovered their true selves have concluded that separation, which is a primary source of our discontent, is an illusion.
The question then arises: How do we uncover our true nature to cultivate the self-compassion that we so desperately need? There is no simple solution, but we all have to start somewhere.
The first step is to take brief moments out of our regular routine and withdraw from the external influences of the world. This could take the form of meditation, taking a walk in nature, or even a mini-retreat for part of a day where we are not swayed by others and what the world expects of us.
It is vitally important to take these moments to self-reflect and contemplate our existence. What often gets in the way are our suppressed difficult emotions, negative thinking, and limiting beliefs. When we are confronted with these entities, we must question them and get to their roots.
If we do this with discipline and determination, we will often discover that our inner demons are just figments of our imagination that hold no true power over us. This will allow us to release them and go deeper into self-reflection and contemplation.
As we start this journey within, we will discover that we were never really broken and that our true nature is far greater than we imagined. It is not the false identity that has been conditioned into you by a society that seeks to fulfill an agenda other than your own; it is pure consciousness. This discovery of our true nature is the beginning of self-love and the end of self-loathing. Once we can take this first step to self-discovery and cultivating self-compassion, it will start to grow and blossom like a flower and reveal to us who we truly are.
This is a lot to ponder, especially for those who have been stuck in self-loathing for a long time. But I will leave you with this final thought: If you can take the inner journey to cultivate self-compassion, you can unlock levels of love, beauty, and awe that you scarcely imagined existed. This journey has the potential to change your life for the better. Will you have the courage to take the first step?
