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Relationships
Being There for Someone in an Unhealthy Relationship
Drawing the line between heartfelt advice-giving and enabling by staying silent.
Posted June 26, 2023 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- There are myriad reasons why people get stuck or feel disrespected in relationships.
- Offering too much advice can be insulting to someone who doesn't perceive their unhealthy dynamic clearly.
- It doesn't help to preach or try to compare one's past with a loved one's current situation.
“My husband would kill me if I did that to my hair.”
“I wouldn’t dare be that honest with my daughter.”
“I don’t think my dad would like it if I….”
There are myriad reasons people get stuck or feel disrespected. It is, after all, always easier to blame someone else. It also stops whatever discussion is taking place on a matter that feels uncomfortable. While it’s true that some of this behavior is self-imposed and the result of generational examples, there is always the possibility it is a product of abuse—emotional, verbal, or physical—but the person would never admit that. Why?
Truth often being stranger than fiction, it’s extremely difficult to face the fact that you permitted someone else to treat you badly. You might see it as a sign of weakness in and of itself. You are, after all, an intelligent person. An educated person. For others to learn that you left a relationship because you were the victim might make you feel even smaller than the way your abuser made you feel. It’s a hard place to end up, but in the end, it’s liberating as well. You won’t know that until later, however.
They say that religious converts and ex-substance abusers are among the most zealous when it comes to walking their talk once they take that huge step in their lives. It's similar for people who have left an unhealthy relationship. Few who took that life-affirming step fail to recognize it in its many forms when they see it happening around them, and sometimes it’s difficult for them to stay quiet, hoping their friend or relative will come to the kinds of self-preservation conclusions they did. But it does beg the turnabout thought, “Forgive them, for they know what they do.”
If you are among the zealous or newly enlightened, however, where do you draw the line between heartfelt advice-giving, empathy, and enabling by staying silent?
I am one of those people who have been on both sides of that fence. Having sprung from a somewhat dysfunctional but loving family, I took on a partner I thought could learn to love by example. I tried and tried to make sense of it, but after a few decades of compassion, hoping, enabling, and drama, I walked away. That was a few decades ago, and I have been in a healthy relationship ever since.
So now? Of course, I see myself as some kind of veteran. And when I see others in troubling circumstances that even hint at what I went through, I am quick to speak up.
I have learned, however, that offering too much advice can also be insulting to the person you perceive as the victim. I would never have compared myself to those whining people on TV talk shows that talked about their lives, but in spirit, I could easily have been one of them. There is a fine line to walk here, and while I still tend to downplay what I permitted to happen to me in the past, in my older age, I can now point to the circumstances that led to it, giving myself a break. Time is a great healer.
I’ve learned that it’s best to stay positive in conversation until the abused friend or relative opens up about their situation. Once they do, I can begin calmly voicing my concern. Making them feel like you’re a safe place for them to vent is your goal. Making them worry, arguing, or offering “I-told-you-so” statements will backfire on you. Listening and asking questions that permit your friend to come to their own conclusions is where you should focus your efforts.
If your friend begins talking about what is going on, now is the time to ask how all those specific behaviors make them feel. For instance, you know that they pay rapt attention to each text and each phone call from their abuser, interrupting anything they might be doing, dreading what might happen if they don’t. That’s when you might make an observatory statement like, “It seems like Frank wants to know where you are a lot and is always texting and calling—how does that make you feel?” This is when you might point out that certain behaviors seem unhealthy and be honest about how you would feel if someone did it to you.
The main thing is not to preach and not to compare your past with your friend's situation. Few people in abusive relationships recognize themselves as victims, and as I said, it’s really hard to hold up the mirror. In the end, unless your friend or family member is facing life-threatening abuse (in which case there are hotlines to call), it’s wisest to let your friend know that you will support them no matter what they decide to do.
While it feels best to recommend they “see” someone about all this, it is common for abuse victims to cover up or downplay what they are going through and a therapist is not there to tell someone to leave a relationship unless violence is threatened. Seeking therapy is not a step that will instantly stop the abuse, and if the abuser finds out their victim is seeking help, it may only fuel the conflict.
Reassure your friend that they are the expert in their own life, and make them feel as though they are in control of the situation. Reverse psychology can often be pure gold, knowing that your good intentions do count.
