The Unraveling: DID and Me

When I first found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder I was devastated. I was afraid of people finding out, thought perhaps I would lose my job. I was afraid my husband would leave me. I thought the diagnosis meant I was truly 'crazy'. I suddenly wanted my old life back-the one I had before I started having panic attacks and memories of being sexually abused as a child, adolescent and young adult.

I was diagnosed with DID and other related trauma disorders in 1993. I was 31 years old and a government lawyer. I was happily married with a normal life and no idea that I had a separated sense of consciousness. Before then, I thought I was like everyone else. I thought that my childhood had been happy, that I simply couldn't remember much of it.

I only even started therapy because I started experiencing intolerable panic attacks. Images would flash before my eyes during the day and immobilize me: while I was at work, driving home, or cooking dinner with my husband. Of course, I recognize these pictures now as flashbacks, but at the time, they made no sense. For example, I saw my father raping me. With the image came a childlike thought that Popi was hurting me. Or I saw one of my brothers "hurting" me. I set to work to find a psychiatrist to help me understand the strange thoughts and stop the panic attacks.
In the course of my work with him over several years, I learned why I couldn't remember my childhood. I discovered I had been chronically sexually assaulted and prostituted by my father and then my brothers. I learned about how my mind had protected me from the awful reality of my formative years by dividing my consciousness and creating parts that were mercifully unaware of what was happening to me, parts that could participate in normal every day activities. In therapy, I learned how this coping mechanism helped me survive, do well in school, make friends and succeed as an adult.

DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a separated sense of consciousness. Consider it like a spectrum, with normal dissociation on one end. On the other end is a fractured consciousness with distinct personality states that are not aware of each other: a condition formerly known as multiple personality disorder, or MPD. In fact, what we now recognize as DID was once thought of, and is still popularly described as, multiple personality disorder. I discovered that I have lived my life along that spectrum. I began therapy very close to what we know as MPD, but not quite that far. Now, after nearly 18 years of recovery, I mostly experience normal forms of dissociation.

According to the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-IV, an official diagnosis of DID requires the following:

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking of the environment and self).
B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.
C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or fantasy play.

Next week, I'll describe dissociation-the kind that we all do and the superpowers of dissociation that helped me survive.

Olga now lives on a farm in Wisconsin with her partner and her three dogs

You can also learn more about my work in communities across the country at www.olgatrujillo.com.