Men Don’t Actually Want More Children Than Women Do

Source: Josh Willink/Pexels

In an age of shifting relationship norms, a common desire among couples is for the mutual initiative to make life dreams come true.

Having children is arguably one of a couple’s biggest decisions and often part of a long-held dream.

Surprising to some, there has been a growing divide in how much men and women report wanting children among Millennials and Gen Zers.

In two often-cited surveys from 2011 and 2013, more men reported aspiring to fatherhood than women to motherhood.

A 2010 study by Riskind and Patternson found this trend exists between men and women regardless of their sexual orientation.

But do men actually want children more than women do?

There is a qualitative difference between wanting to be a parent and being emotionally invested in the work of raising children; that’s what I mean when I say "actually."

It is clear that, historically, male gender socialization has not included a realistic framework for the emotional attunement and affectionate behaviors key to nurturing socially and emotionally healthy kids. There are far fewer examples of play behaviors that encourage young boys to be engaged in the home life (i.e., cooking, cleaning, etc).

When is the last time you saw a young boy given a baby doll to "take care of" as a gift?

Not surprisingly, many men continue to describe wanting to become a father so as to establish their personal legacy, seemingly detached from the realities of parenting itself with its corresponding joys and struggles.

For many families in the middle and upper-middle class, lackadaisical fathering isn’t an option for female partners who are pursuing advanced degrees and entrepreneurial ventures and doubling down on career goals. Many men are increasingly and rightfully embracing active co-parenting to the benefit of their relationships and kids (Ishizuka, 2019).

In 2023, far more couples are now negotiating a fair sharing of basic functional parenting responsibilities (i.e., diaper changing, getting kids to bed, bringing them to their extracurriculars, etc).

Yet, stereotypic divides persist in the moments between instrumentality that define a deeper connection to the realities of effective parenting that involve cognitive and emotional labor of raising emotionally and intellectually thriving children.

So while it is important we encourage more egalitarian play in childhood that could translate into more realistic adult dreams of parenting, a far more crucial intervention is necessary before we have kids in the first place.

This starts with young couples diving into more meaningful conversations about their parenting dreams sooner, more often, and in greater detail.

Ask someone who has a strong emotional investment in parenthood to describe their ideal dream, and you’ll likely hear vivid details of the kind of parent they want to be, the quality of their relationship with their future kids, and perhaps a desire to do the actual work of parenting.

Are men incapable of having these deeply emotional dreams of fatherhood? No. There is no deterministic, biological limitation to men imagining parenting in this more realistic and emotionally rich way.

If we want to foster a more mutually shared emotional investment in parenting, it starts by directly discussing shared priorities, values, and skills:

Priorities: As more women achieve financial independence in their careers, the disproportionate emphasis that men typically give professional advancement will make less and less sense to more partners. A more comprehensive sharing of dreams is in order that takes into account the big picture of the life they want to create with each other. In other words, men have an opportunity to reassess and potentially shift their focus and priorities sooner in their relationships.

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Values: Men who value their psychological and emotional experience will have an easier time understanding the extent of their emotional connection to fatherhood. "Leaving a legacy" is the sole and oft-cited reason for starting a family for those less likely to value deep emotional connection. Men who want to generate a fierce, healthy love in their families will be invested the emotional tones of that dream. They’ll be more likely to recognize and communicate their feelings about becoming a dad (i.e., excitement, hopefulness, nervousness, etc).

Skills: It takes skill to discern our heart’s deepest desires, and that kind of self-attunement is still far from standard in dominant modes of masculine socialization. Simple cognitive skills like monitoring our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can improve our understanding of what we crave emotionally. Improving these skills will increase the likelihood of dreaming of parenthood in more emotionally rich ways and, again, the inclination to initiate conversations about starting a family with a partner.

Men should start a conversation with their partner when they’ve found themselves daydreaming about being a dad and doing that work mutually with their partner.

Until we study the desire to have children in a more realistic way, I wouldn’t bet on national polls that men actually want to be fathers more than women mothers.