Inside the Narcissist's Brain

Source: Engin Akyurt / Pexels

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally and psychologically draining. It can wreck your sense of self, confidence, joy, and more. Many of us who interact with narcissists, either in our family, at work, or in our friend group, feel that if we can just explain how we are feeling, or how their actions make us feel, we can get them to see the light and start treating people better. Unfortunately, these conversations are rarely productive. Instead, they offer more fodder for the narcissist to blame you for making everything so bad.

Why do they act like this? Why do they bring so much negativity, shame, and ugliness into the lives of those around them? One reason has to do with how they think.

We all have an automatic thought network that produces our inner monologue—the random thoughts that stream through our heads all day long. Known as the default mode network (DMN), these brain areas work together to make sure you are safe. The problem is that it developed back when we lived in small clans, thousands of years ago. The default mode keeps us safe by identifying the norms and expectations of our clan members and urging us to follow them so that we don't get kicked out of the clan. It is akin to the stress system keeping us physically safe by helping us run away from saber tooth tigers.

For most people, this network is self-centered. It talks to you about where it thinks you fall short to motivate you to become more "clan acceptable." If you think, "I'm so ugly," it is because your DMN thinks that you need to be pretty to be accepted/liked/successful/happy in the world. If it says, "I just bombed that presentation. I'm not good enough. I'm totally getting fired," it is essentially saying, "Warning! Clan acceptance in question. You're now in danger!"

Narcissists' DMNs are outward-focused. Rather than beating themselves up, their DMNs beat up the world. It tells them that everyone is out to get them, using them, or has negative intentions. It tells them that others are the problem. Here are some examples.

• Normal: I’m not good enough. / Narcissist: Everyone in my life hurts and disappoints me.
• Normal: I feel like I keep messing up. / Narcissist: You’re doing this wrong and this wrong…
• Normal: I look frumpy in this. / Narcissist: She could work out more.
• Normal: I’m not as smart or experienced as everyone else at work. / Narcissist: My boss isn’t that smart. He just got where he is because of good timing.

Narcissists struggle to take responsibility for their actions and how they make others feel because, to their DMNs, they are not the ones to blame for how they feel; everyone else is to blame. They struggle with relationships because, to them, it is about what the relationship is doing for them rather than what they can do for the relationship. Narcissists tend not to seek treatment because their DMNs believe the world needs help, not them. It is as if the Self is absent from their perspective. Perhaps their true selves are so tamped down that they cannot connect with them.

When you are in close contact with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it is like getting a one-two DMN punch. First, your DMN does its normal thing of evaluating your every move. Second, you have their DMN also evaluating your every move, in a dismissive and cruel way. Then, your DMN spins on the other person’s criticisms, validating the nonsense your DMN said in the first place (e.g., I am not worthy of love, I am not good enough). Your DMN piles on, feeling it has external validation for its negative beliefs. If your emotional well-being was a weather pattern, it would be like two major storms meeting up and turning into the storm of the century.

This is why it is highly unlikely that a conversation about feelings would be productive. If anything, it would give the narcissist's DMN more data to work with, to blame you for whatever negative emotion they feel. Experts call this "narcissistic fuel." When you choose not to have the conversation and instead remove yourself, you are removing their fuel, giving them less opportunity to criticize, belittle, demean, dismiss, or blame you. So resist the urge, give yourself some self-love, and seek out others who also treat you with love and respect. It is not your job to change the way a narcissist's brain works; it's your job to take care of yourself.