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Key points
- Grief is unpredictable and complex, and feelings of grief can be triggered in unexpected ways.
- Grieving is not about finding closure but about learning to live with the change.
- Connecting with others and participating in activities that provide solace are key to processing grief.
As members of Gen X, we share similar tastes in music. We were recently discussing the genius of R.E.M, which sent us down a listening rabbit hole to revisit our favorites. Tara highly recommends "Nightswimming"; Ed favors "Radio Free Europe," even though he has no idea what the song is about and suspects that Michael Stipe doesn’t either.
There are some amazing treasures in the R.E.M. canon, but one of their most popular songs, with over 443K listens on Spotify as of this post, is "Everybody Hurts." If you’ve heard it, you know it. You feel it.
It’s probably been 20 years since I (Tara) listened to that song and hearing it again leveled me with grief. Sure, it’s a sad song, but it had never evoked a similar response and that’s probably because the lyrics didn’t apply to my life then like they do today.
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
Earlier this summer, I lost a dear friend to suicide. The grief caused by his absence shows up in so many ways and when I least expect it, and therein lies the problem with grief. It is unpredictable and thorny. It comes in waves. It shows up like an uninvited guest and just sits with you.
(Ed lost a good friend to suicide in college. Another dear friend, a wonderful musician, turned him on to "If You Go" by the Irish Band Hothouse Flowers to help him through. The musician has since passed as well. "If You Go" and grief are now married in Ed’s brain.)
Though my current grief is for my friend, the feeling isn’t limited to the loss of human loved ones. Losing a pet can be devastating, and the feeling can also arise when we fail to meet goals, a friendship ends, or we realize we are no longer as young as we once were. There are a multitude of reasons for grief.
(Ed wonders if he is the only person in the world who feels proactive grief when adopting a kitten.)
We’ve all heard that there are five stages of grief and have been led to believe that our unavoidable grief will go through a natural progression: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is comforting but wrong.
The stages were developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, by talking to people who were dying, not to the people left behind grieving. Sure, the stages make logical sense. They offer a checklist for helping someone feel like they are progressing toward accepting the loss. But assuming those five stages happen in an orderly fashion isn’t realistic, and acceptance doesn’t mean you are yourself again. In fact, I don’t think you are ever the same after losing someone.
Part of the reason for this permanent change is the need to go through the grieving process. There is a difference between grief and grieving. Grief is an emotion. It’s the feeling that slams into you. Grieving is an action. It’s riding the feeling and learning how to cope over time. They are both difficult. Everyone deals with them in their own way, and it’s not a linear five-stage process.
My process for dealing with many things often involves looking for answers in science. In this case, trying to understand the purpose of grief. It feels terrible, it doesn’t bring the person back, it negatively impacts our physical and mental health, so why is this a thing we still experience?
Science doesn’t really know (thanks for nothing, science!). All that can be said for certain is that grief is a universal human emotion and a by-product of having relationships. This makes it sound like we are simply bound to grieve as part of our human experience, and we just have to deal with it. But how?
I have seen many suggestions for ways to get through the grieving process and foremost on every list is talking to a professional who can offer you support. If one-on-one therapy isn’t an option to help manage your loss, you can also look for bereavement or grief support groups that meet in your local area or online.
In addition to therapy, one suggestion helping me is the idea that while this is a process, it isn’t about “closure.” The person I lost will always be with me and I don’t have to box up those feelings and move on. In fact, really feeling the feelings (a thing I am notoriously terrible at and do not like) and not ignoring them is key. When a feeling hits out of nowhere (no matter what it is), you have to sit with it. Not forever, but long enough to figure out what to do with it next.
One way to access those feelings is to write or tell stories about the person you lost. This allows you to share what made them special to you. Writing about traumatic experiences in particular has been shown to improve mental health and decrease associated physical illness.
You can also reach out to others affected by the loss, even if your grief is the only thing you have in common. I frequently texted my friend photos of his godson (my son). Since I can no longer do this, I text the photos to his mom. Though we met only once in person, we are connected, and this is one way for us to share more than just the loss.
Other suggestions I have seen for coping include donating to the person’s favorite cause, connecting to their memory by eating their favorite foods, watching their favorite show, or doing their favorite activities. Another recommendation is finding an activity that creates the feeling you no longer experience because this person is gone. The idea is that if you can figure out the emotion you are missing, you can find something else that comes close. That sounds great, but I haven’t found any activities to assuage my grief yet. In the meantime, I have donated to my friend’s favorite charities, am hosting a memorial for him with food from his favorite BBQ restaurant, and think of him every time I see a pit bull.
If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please reach out for help. Everybody hurts. Just hold on.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
