Verified by 
Romantic fantasies of a soul mate, a lifelong lover, and a best friend forever aside, marriage is first and foremost an interpersonal relationship -- though one more intimate, intense, and prolonged than any other.
Like any other sociological relationship, it entails issues of power, control, and hierarchy that conflict with popular fantasies of endless love and companionship.
Real life marriages are anything but idylls. Marriages are inevitably fraught. They are infused with complicated power, emotional, and psychological dynamics that make marital unions so difficult for outsiders to assess.
Unlike the other intimate relationships adults are part of -- between parents and children or siblings -- marriage is, of course, the most psychologically intricate, complicated by sex, money, and constant bargaining.
More than ever, it is not just about performing one's wifely or husbandly or parental responsibilities, but meeting one's partner's communication, emotional support, stimulation, and growth.
Far more voluntary than in the past, marriage no longer carries assumptions of permanence. Every marriage is contingent, its quality and value continuously assessed.
Adults marry for many reasons. It is, of course, the culture's most visible ritual of commitment. It also legitimizes children. For some, marriage is a rite of passage, the gateway into full adulthood. For others, it is a capstone experience, celebrating the couple's achievement of the attributes of full adulthood, economic independence and a well-paying career.
For many, the wedding ceremony itself is profoundly symbolic, signifying ties with tradition. Yet while sentiment often disguises this fact, for many, marriage, even today, is considered an imperative, for psychological, economic, and social reasons.
Even though cohabitation is increasingly accepted and widely practiced, marriages tend to be stabler and to offer more advantages in terms of finances, legal rights, and support in child rearing.
Sociology reminds us that marriage, like any other social relationship, is not just an idiosyncratic bond between two people, but is deeply enmeshed in role and gender expectations defined by the broader culture. Even today, men's identity remains tied bread winning.
It's not accidental that marriages tend to gravitate toward a more "traditional" gender division of labor after children are born. Husbands are still more likely than wives to find their primary source of meaning in their career.
Similarly, the assumption that women are primarily responsible for childcare, housework, organizing household activities, and managing relations with relatives and family friends persists. These assumptions are so deeply embedded in individual psyches that they appear natural.
No longer, however, are such assumptions invisible. One of feminism's most powerful effects was to lay bare inequities within marriage.
What makes marriage today so problematic is that every facet of the relationship must be consciously negotiated and renegotiated.
At its best, marriage challenges adults to grow, mature, overcome narcissism, and take responsibility for others. But an older style of marriage, in which women and men settle into secure, well-defined roles, is no longer possible.
Historically, marriage's success hinged on women's willingness to subordinate their selfhood and desires for self-fulfillment to the good of her husband and children. This was a dynamic that exacted a terrible psychological toll upon many women. In today's more egalitarian and individualistic society, the cost of such subordination is obvious and virtually impossible to sustain.
A thriving and lasting marriage, in short, requires not simply an abstract desire to remain married, it demands that the partners feel that the relationship continually contributes to their well-being and sense of fulfillment.
Needless to say, this is an extraordinarily difficult standard to meet. As a result, it is essential to constantly look at one's marriage with open eyes. Only then can its power, emotional, and psychological issues be dealt with head-on.
