Revitalizing Couple Sexuality After an Affair

Affairs generate simplistic, destructive self-help advice. The clinical reality is that affairs are complex, multi-causal, and multi-dimensional, with large individual, couple, cultural, and value differences. An empowering concept is that the “involved” partner and the “injured “partner have vastly different understandings of the causes and meanings of the affair, including sexual meaning.

The majority of married couples endure an affair. This is especially true of the most common type of affair—a male high opportunity/low emotional involvement affair. Create a genuine narrative about the affair which is accepted by both the injured and involved partners. Sometimes an affair is a sign of a fatally flawed marriage, with divorce as the healthiest outcome. Other times the affair is a symptom of a sexual or relational problem. The affair can signify a secret sexual life—a variant arousal pattern, a sex orientation conflict, or a symptom of alcohol or drug abuse. However, the most common cause, especially for male affairs, is high opportunity. The involved partner falls into an affair in part because of the belief that "a real man never says no to sex." Rather than shaming or blaming, understanding the role and meaning of this affair motivates the couple to make a “wise” decision of whether to recommit to their marriage, including creating a new couple sexual style.

Partners can reinforce the bond of respect, trust, and intimacy and create a couple sexuality which enhances feelings of desire and desirability. Sexuality is not the most important factor in the decision, but couple sexuality has an integral 15-20% role in energizing their bond. In most therapy involving affairs, revitalizing couple sexuality is overlooked. In fact, sexuality is a core factor in healing from an affair.

You cannot compare affair sex with marital sex. Affair sex is like the limerence phase (romantic love/passionate sex/idealization) multiplied by three (secrecy, breaking boundaries, a dramatic sexual relationship). The challenge is to create a vital and satisfying couple sexuality, better than before the affair.

Both partners need to process learnings from the affair. The man describes affairs as “dalliances”—just for sex. He goes to a massage parlor and pays extra for a “happy ending," meets a woman online and exchanges erotic pictures or stories as he masturbates to orgasm, and/or hooks up at a bar for a “quickie." The wife’s friends say he is a “sex addict” while the husband’s friends blame the wife for being a “cold fish." This blame/counter-blame struggle generates lots of heat but little light. The reality is that he has “de-eroticized” his wife and his version of eroticism is a turn-off for her. In the healing process, each spouse affirms the value of desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction. Confront the split between intimacy (for women) and eroticism (for men). Value integrated eroticism. Both partners can prioritize intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism.

Another common pattern is that the woman falls into a Comparison (love) affair. Her intimacy and sexual needs are met in the affair. Rather than the injured partner adopting the super-macho response of attacking his wife and threatening to kill the affair partner, he is a “wise” man who supports her in ending the affair. But she discovered her "sexual voice” during the affair. Does the affair or affair partner own her sexuality, or does she own her sexual voice? She can integrate sexual feelings and preferences into marital sexuality. She is responsible for her desire, pleasure, and orgasm They are an intimate sexual team. Marital sex is more genuine and satisfying than before the affair.

We do not advocate affairs as a means to rekindle sexual desire, but if a couple's reality involves an affair, the challenge is to make genuine meaning of it, create a couple sexual style which enhances desire and satisfaction, and develop a new monogamy agreement to promote intimacy and security.