Objectivity in the Moment: When Things Are Happening Fast

When things are happening fast, when you are in the middle of a heated conversation with someone, when you are juggling multiple e-mails, and all of a sudden another one comes in that seems urgent, what do you do? How can you be objective in the moment when so many things are happening so fast?

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The key is to create the space to respond appropriately even when you don’t have a lot of time to reflect on what is going on. Most of us know when we are about to react emotionally. We can feel it. Often there is a brief warning before the amygdala hijack. For some of us, it is butterflies in the stomach; for some it is an increased heart rate; and for others it is a feeling of agitation. In that instant, before we respond, it is important to just stop, to say and do nothing. Do the exact opposite of what you are thinking. Trust what you have learned about the mind’s automatic responses and be confident that if your mind is telling you to lash out, to push back . . . then you should just do the opposite. Tell the person that you will talk to them later, that now is not a good time to continue the conversation. If that is not possible, have a handy set of questions to create the space you need by asking the person to clarify what they are saying. For example: “It is important to me that I understand you correctly. Are you saying that . . . ?” This may give you time to collect yourself before you respond, and it often gives the other person a reason to pause. If it is an e-mail that is triggering an emotional response, don’t reply to the e mail, or if you do, don’t hit send. It is important to develop the mental space, the time to interrupt the spin in the mind at that moment, to avoid reacting inappropriately or in a manner that you may regret.

The key to creating the mental space before responding; is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a way of being present, paying attention to and accepting what is happening in our lives. It helps us to be aware of and step away from our automatic and habitual reactions to our everyday experiences. When we are fully conscious and aware, we actually know when we are about to overreact. When we are mindful, we have the mental space and are aware of when our moods change. When we are mindful, we are aware of when our mental models are being challenged and when expectation does not meet with reality, which can trigger an emotional response.

The challenge for us in being more objective in the moment is that we are very rarely present in the moment. As Ellen Langer describes in her book Mindfulness, too often we are on “automatic pilot, lost in memories of the past and fantasies of the future. Our minds are in one place but our bodies are in another. This is common to all of us."¹ Drs. Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius, in their book: Buddha’s Brain reports that: “The brain produces simulations, mini- movies that take us out of the present moment. Have you ever found yourself sitting in a morning meeting, and all of a sudden your mind is a million miles away replaying a past event or thinking about what negative thing might happen in the future? Many of our movie clips are based on our fears and our mental models. "Every time these mini-movies play, especially the negative clips, we strengthen the connections between the event we are replaying and the negative emotions that may be associated withit.”² If our minds are only rarely present, how can we recognize when we are about to respond less than objectively?

To increase our objectivity, we must learn to switch off the mini-movies. Objectivity requires us to be mindful, present in the moment, and experiencing what is happening without judgment. Another challenge in becoming more objective in the moment is that we instantaneously and automatically judge situations and other people as well as our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We react intensely to our experiences, particularly unwanted experiences, and to our initial responses to them. Sometimes we think things like: What a bonehead, how could I do that, what was I thinking, I can’t take this anymore. Our minds spin and spin and spiral down to a place of self-judgment and often self-loathing. How can we respond objectively with all of this going on in our minds? Accepting rather than rejecting what is happening in the current moment does not mean believing or accepting that you can do nothing to prevent the situation from continuing or getting worse in the next moment. Nor does it mean accepting and allowing your own automatic and habitual responses, no matter how compelling or justified such responses may initially feel. It is in fact just the opposite: accepting the current moment enables you to prevent the external situation, and your internal reactions to it, from robbing you of an opportunity for an objective and more effective response in the next moment.

The good news is that we can increase our mindfulness. We can develop our capacity to create distance between an automatic and instantaneous emotional reaction, recognize what is really going on, and respond more objectively. Just as we improve our physical fitness through regular physical exercise, we can develop mindfulness through deliberate mental practice. It means training the mind to be aware of what it is doing at all times, including being aware of when the mini-movie starts, being aware that we are thinking when we think. The goal is to train your mind to stay present and not wander off and when it does, and you should expect that it will, bring it back. From meditation techniques to simply being aware of how hard you are holding the steering wheel when you drive, the key is being aware of when your mind is spinning and interrupting the spin in the mind.

One female executive reported that when she is frustrated and about to do or say something she might regret, she gets up from her desk and takes a short walk, or goes to get a cup of coffee. This has worked so well for her that she uses the “interrupt the spin” technique with her employees. When she perceives an employee behaving a bit defensively and resisting her input, she pauses and invites the employee to go get a cup of tea with her. Often, the employee’s mood changes and a more productive conversation takes place.

The mind can spin and spin. It can be uncomfortable, and as many people will admit, once it gets going it is hard to stop the spin. Something that happened at work on Friday and triggered your sense of insecurity can spin in your mind all weekend long. Being mindful so that you are aware when your mind is spinning, and then interrupting the spin will help you be more objective in the moment. Being aware of your triggers so that you stop before responding is also critical. Remember that you are the Subject. Everything else is an object of your knowledge or awareness and therefore not you. As we have seen, this includes your thoughts and your emotions. As the Subject, you have the inherent capacity to be present, aware of your thoughts and emotions, moment to moment, to quiet your mind and to choose your response to everything you experience. You merely need to develop that capacity. Being objective is a critical leadership compentency. It takes practice.

Excerpt from: The Objective Leader: How to Leverage the Power of Seeing Things As They Are