Limerence, Love, and Neurodivergent Women

Limerence is a word used to describe an experience of infatuation and obsession that can create feelings similar to what occurs when someone is falling in love. However, limerence is not love, this post explains why neurodivergent people, particularly women, may be more susceptible to experiencing limerence. Limerence is an involuntary and intense experience, marked by repetitive, intrusive, and distressing thoughts linked to a person or what is often referred to as a limerent object. It can feel exciting and terrible simultaneously and is rooted in uncertainty and fueled by adrenaline and confusion. There often is no relationship with the person, the limerent object, all of the thinking and experiences are based on inner cognitions and the maladaptive processes of the person experiencing the phenomenon. It can be difficult for people to relate to if they have never experienced it, but many of the people I work with report experiencing it, and it is that awareness that has helped them to process it, accept it as limerence, and manage it before it becomes too problematic.

In my experience, being neurodivergent is like living in high definition, and falling in love is an equally intense experience. Matters of the heart can be thrilling, confusing, and problematic. When living with conditions such as autism spectrum disorder, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, these experiences can become amplified and intensified.

Limerence is a strong feeling of attraction or affection for a person that can be obsessive and may be confused with being in love because of the hormones and chemicals released by the experience. It is often linked to chemical processes and associated with neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, imbalances of which have been linked to conditions such as OCD, ADHD, and ASD, which is often accompanied by persistent low-level depression (Marotta et al, 2020).

In neurodivergent males, their special interests may often be in inanimate objects (cars, buildings, gym, sports, and others). Women and girls present differently from boys and men and are often more interested in relationships, socialising, and people than their male counterparts (Tofani et al. 2023). Limerence can be described as an intense, thrilling experience, whereas sustainable love and healthy relationships will be more calming, soothing, grounding, and peaceful. Where limerence is often fuelled by anxiety and worry, healthy relationships do not cause harm; they help people progress, grow, and thrive.

Limerent ways of thinking and relating
Many people I work with have hyper-romantic tendencies. I do, too, and I have noticed that many of these individuals, who are mostly women, have what is called an AuDHD profile. This is a neurotype that includes a combination of autism and ADHD. This blend of conditions may mean that they generally don't adhere to or conform to traditional views and standards of how a person with this diagnosis might behave. I have that neurotype, and one of my special interests (or hyper-fixations) is love and relationships. I like this, but it does make me vulnerable. Women like me are prone to roaming into limerent ways of thinking and relating for a variety of reasons, some being we often have vivid imaginations, we enjoy fantasizing, we have creative tendencies, and seeing the best in people is how we project onto others our hopes and expectations of that person. The perspective can be useful in some areas of life (writing, art, and academia) and may be detrimental to creating and forming long-lasting and meaningful relationships with other people. Limerence could be a maladaptive coping mechanism and an attempt to reject reality and the person as a complete person, rather than an idealised version of a human being,

Many people I work with prefer a small number of close relationships and struggle with losing themselves or masking when around others. This could mean that in intimate relationships, they may start to lose their identity and disappear, as opposed to maintaining a healthy level of autonomy and keeping their sense of self intact and secure. While being on the spectrum is marked by living with high levels of social anxiety, for many neurodivergent people, there is also huge anxiety around being single and never being good enough or worthy of finding a life partner. Low self-esteem is another reason why many people settle for and remain in limerent or chaotic and dysfunctional interpersonal relationships.

Neurodivergent women may also be vulnerable to nurturing trauma bonds. Those with the AuDHD neurotype are often hyper-empathic and, therefore, may give more chances and be more forgiving of deceptive and unhealthy behaviors from a partner. They may not understand or be experienced in relationships that are peaceful and undramatic. This could be a result of insecure attachments, traumatic past experiences and events, or difficulties understanding how to navigate and manage healthy interpersonal, intimate relationships. The most dangerous aspect of the neurotype, and that which may place many neurodivergent women at risk, is that they may not be able to pick up on danger cues as easily, and their communication style and difficulties may place them in danger of unhealthy partners and relationships (Douglas et al., 2023).

The highs and lows of limerent relationships
Limerent relationships are defined by being tumultuous and draining, where there are many highs and lows. While conflict is to be expected in relationships, too much is a sign of incompatibility. Mature and healthy intimate relationships bring more peace and wellness, rather than constant episodes of conflict, drama, and confusion. All relationships will encounter struggle, but limerent relationships may thrive on chaos, as opposed to using the conflict to strengthen the bond and deepen the respect for the partner.

Among neurodivergent people, limerence can be even more confusing and difficult to manage and identify because of the issues that many of these conditions bring about understanding and recognizing emotions and being emotionally regulated.

It can take a lot of personal work, therapy, and self-awareness to counteract the effect of remaining in a relationship built on limerence rather than love. People must remain true to their values and choose healthy, positive personal and intimate relationships that are good for their well-being and not marked by drama, adrenaline, and repeated unresolved conflict.

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Our relationships should help us to be the best versions of ourselves and bring more peace than chaos. If they don’t, then we may inadvertently be playing out old attachment wounds that formed in childhood and remaining with people who are familiar and not necessarily good for us.

Falling in love is intense, but a sustainable, healthy relationship will bring comfort and not constant chaos, confusion, and turmoil. A person who becomes a special fixation or object of obsession may be filling a void and producing chemicals the brain craves. A test of a truly loving relationship is that the person wants the best for you, always. Limerence will not prioritize you being happy and succeeding. It is not capable of providing that level of commitment and loyalty. Some people will find it easy to know the difference, for neurodivergent people it may be more difficult to tell them apart.