How to Find Your Sensory Goldilocks: Achieving the "Just Right" Fit

Reading Goldilocks as a child always made me feel deeply uncomfortable. Goldilocks seemed entitled and destructive with little respect for others’ boundaries. I tended to stay clear of people like this, given how important personal boundaries have always been to me. Yet despite my discomfort with the character, there was something deeply resonant about her quest for the perfect fit — not too hot, not too cool, not too stiff, not too soft. This was like me as a child, trying to find socks, t-shirts, or friends that would be “just right.” It named the quest that I was perpetually on: finding the “just right” fit.

As an autistic ADHD (AuDHD) human, the “just right” quest feels neverending.

As an autistic person, I experience a great deal of sensory overstimulation. I focus a lot on sensory self-care and carefully curate my sensory environment to make it ideal with weighted blankets, dim or natural lighting, stim songs, and no chemicals in the environment. Managing my sensory environment is critical for staying grounded and maintaining access to my mind.

As an ADHD person, one of the stressors I navigate is the excruciating pain of boredom and understimulation that comes when there isn't enough stimulus. In these moments, I want to crawl out of my skin. As a child, this meant I would rather pick a fight with a sibling than be bored!

As an AuDHDer, I’ve realized there is a unique kind of sensory experience that feels like a specially curated sensory hell for us: the under/overstimulation combo.

Navigating the Overstimulation and Understimulation Combo

A few months ago, I attended a theater production at my child's school. We arrived early to secure seats that would accommodate our family. As I waited for the show to start, I became acutely aware of my physical discomfort. I realized I was experiencing both sensory overstimulation and intellectual understimulation.

I hadn't brought any books or notebooks to jot down ideas or lists. My mind was agitated and itching for something to do and my body was bombarded by the too-muchness around me.

So, there I was, simultaneously overstimulated by all the sensory input around me and understimulated intellectually. This experience reminded me of my childhood, particularly the many hours spent in school and church services. I would escape the sensory overwhelm and intellectual boredom by making lists or creating imaginary worlds. Planning, planning, and more planning — that was my coping mechanism. If I couldn't engage my interests, I'd retreat into my rich inner world to distract myself from the sensory chaos around me.

The term "autism" comes from the Greek word "autos," meaning "self." It was first used in the early 20th century by Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler. In 1911, Bleuler used the term to describe a symptom of schizophrenia, where a person appeared to retreat into their own inner world, detached from social interaction. Over time, the term evolved to describe children with a specific set of behaviors now recognized as autism. While it originally carried connotations of extreme self-focus or withdrawal, I find that this notion of retreating inward resonates. The world I create in my mind often provides the perfect sensory experience — a place where I can be both intellectually stimulated and sensory regulated. Achieving this balance in the outer world is much harder for me and one of the reasons I so often retreat into my own mind.

So, what can we do about this dual-edged sensory experience? Here are some practical strategies that might help you navigate this special kind of sensory dysphoria.

Practical Advice for Managing Overstimulation and Understimulation

1. Sensory Play: When you are AuDHD, it can be tricky to find your Goldilocks sensory experience. Additionally, your sensory needs will ebb and flow. It takes a lot of experimenting to find the sensory soothers and stimulators that are ideal for you — so engage in playful exploration to learn about your sensory soothers and sensory stimulators.

2. Make a List: Identify your sensory soothers and stimulators. For example, your soothers list might involve swaying, weight, darkness. Your stimulator list might include an upbeat stim song, a cold drink, carbonated drinks, or spicy food.

3. Prepare a Sensory Toolkit: Carry sensory self-care items. This might include noise-canceling headphones, fidget toys, a weighted lap pad, or a scented oil you find calming. You can also have some sensory stimulators in there, such as a mint, crunchy snacks, or alerting essential oils.

4. Incorporate Intellectual Stimulators: If you anticipate a period of understimulation, bring something engaging with you. This could be a list of pre-prepared podcasts, a book, pocket crosswords, or a small notebook for jotting down thoughts and ideas. Keeping your mind active can prevent the restless feeling associated with boredom and help you escape the overwhelm.

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5. Self-Advocate: Don’t hesitate to communicate your sensory needs to those around you. Whether it's asking for dimmer lights, a quieter environment, or explaining why you need to take breaks, advocating for your sensory needs can help others understand and accommodate your needs.

6. Balance Activities: Try to balance activities that are stimulating with those that are calming throughout your day. For instance, after attending a social event, you might spend some time alone in a quiet environment to recharge.

Ideally, we won’t be breaking into people's houses to get the perfect sensory experience, but with some careful planning, sensory play, and learning, we can create our own Goldilocks moments. By recognizing and understanding the tricky balance of being both overstimulated and understimulated, we can find better ways to handle these moments. Through preparation, mindfulness, and simply communicating our needs, we can discover strategies to achieve a sensory balance that feels just right, both inside our minds and in the world around us.