Healing Holiday Loneliness, One Neighbor at a Time

Last year one in nine Americans spent the December holidays by themselves. One in six spent New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day alone.

This isolation was, of course, partly due to COVID. But America’s loneliness is increasing across the board. And with the holidays upon us, it’s time to pay attention.

Loneliness largely affects older adults

Many assume that loneliness is an old people’s problem. This is partly true. The Centers for Disease Control describe loneliness and social isolation as “serious public health risks” affecting a large proportion of older adults. I see this routinely in my primary care practice, where a sizeable number of my elderly patients schedule regular appointments for the sole purpose of human contact.

The pandemic compounded the social isolation of seniors. Nearly two-thirds of nursing home residents in a survey last year indicated that they no longer left their rooms to socialize. Three-quarters felt lonelier than usual.

Residents described feeling confined, neglected, and depressed. Many endured the 2020 holidays in total isolation. One senior responded, “I feel like I am in prison. The prospect of weeks or months more of isolation makes me feel like giving up on life. This is not living at all.”

Not only is social isolation associated with an increased risk of dementia, stroke, and heart disease, lonely living hastens death itself. The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine reviewed more than 40 years of data and concluded that social isolation is accompanied by “significantly increased risk” for early death.

But it’s not just seniors.

Loneliness plagues younger people too

During the first year of the pandemic, youth anxiety and depression doubled from their pre-pandemic levels—findings largely attributable to social isolation. Suspected suicide attempts were up more than 50 percent for adolescent girls in early 2021, compared to 2019. The role of social media in normalizing suicidal thoughts and acts is well-established. And the link between high levels of screen time and depression has been repeatedly verified.

The pandemic has made young people lonely for another critical reason. More than 167,000 American children have lost at least one caregiver to COVID-19, according to the bipartisan COVID Collaborative. For these children, there’s no question that this Christmas will feel lonelier than ever.

Helping those who struggle with loneliness

Shortly after becoming Surgeon General in 2014, Dr. Vivek Murthy went on a listening tour of America. He wanted to know what ailed the country and how he could help. He was surprised by what he found. In his book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, he wrote: “Loneliness ran like a dark thread through many of the more obvious issues that people brought to my attention, like addiction, violence, anxiety, and depression.” And this loneliness preceded the pandemic.

Just last week, Dr. Murthy issued a rare public health advisory. Young people, he warned, are facing mental health challenges of alarming proportions. He noted that it would be tragic if measures to counteract the COVID-19 pandemic triggered a new public health crisis among youth. He called on everyone to get involved: from youth and their caregivers, educators, and health care professionals to media, tech companies, non-profits, and government. A crisis affecting everyone requires that everyone be part of the solution.

My proposal is more modest. Start by asking yourself whether you know anyone nearby who is lonely, bereaved, or isolated. If you do—which will surely be the case for most—could you spare one hour to spend with that person this holiday season?

I have often imagined an organic ongoing large-scale version of this concept. In New York City, for example, roughly 1 out of 8 people is age 65 and above. What if the seven-eighths of those below 65—including lonely youth—“adopted” the older folks? This project could also work in reverse. Older individuals could find themselves unwitting companions and mentors to lonely young people. This concept requires neither money nor infrastructure. It simply requires a willingness to pick up the phone or knock on a neighbor’s door.

Loneliness Essential Reads

Is It Bad for Kids to Feel Lonely?

Loneliness and Social Norm Violations

Buddy programs that pair younger adults with seniors do already exist. But the truth is that the need far exceeds supply. If we want to stem the tide of loneliness, we’ve all got to pitch in. The “ask” is minimal: a 10-minute phone call a week, a one-hour visit a month. It won’t fix loneliness entirely. But the impact could be profound.

On Christmas Eve 1918, New York newspapers reported that despite the global flu pandemic, ordinary citizens and civic organizations had joined forces to ensure that no one would endure the holidays alone. Weary soldiers were invited into homes for festivities. Children who lost their parents to influenza received gifts. “The various organizations for civic betterment have programs which, when carried out, should by tomorrow night find no unfed or unentertained man or woman in this city.”

The decline of civic organizations in America does not imply the decline of civic-mindedness. But civic-mindedness is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Dr. Murthy concludes his book with a call for more connected lives. Will we choose to make time for others? Will the seven-eighths give an hour a month to the one-eighth? “When people feel they belong to one another, their lives are stronger, richer, and more joyful.”

Make time for a neighbor. Bring joy to the world.