The Science of Love, Commitment, and Thriving Relationships

Making a commitment to a partner (and more seriously marriage) requires taking a huge leap of faith, or accepting perhaps as my grandmother likes to say that, “Finding a mate for life is like winning the lottery.” Indeed, we would all feel better about taking a leap into the unknown world of “I do,” “forever,” and “until death do us part” if we had an idea of whether the odds were in our favor. It is not without due concern that beyond putting our hearts on the line, we place great significance on love and marriage with its social and cultural implications. Indeed, around the globe marriage signals the spiritual union of two individuals with concrete implications such as the establishment of a family unit; a merger of families, resources, and important life matters. For many, it is also the precursor to having and raising offspring. And in Western culture, people increasingly look to their romantic partnerships for sense of personal fulfillment, expansion, and thriving. Indeed, romantic love in committed relationships as we know it today seems like somewhat of a luxury compared with earlier times (or even in other cultures) where people marry for more practical matters such as the exchange of land or money.

With changing social norms and structures over recent decades, relationship scientists have tackled some of these tough and somewhat mystical issues. For example, studies led by Dr. Ted Huston (from the University of Texas at Austin) and others followed newlyweds over the first few years of marriage and found some patterns that could predict if couples would stay happily married over time. Researchers found that decreases in love, overt affection, and perceptions that a spouse was not supportive forecasted the couples that were headed for divorce. In my love brain research and other explorations of happy, in-love lasting marriages, my collaborators and I have uncovered other important factors for thriving relationships such as empathy, approach-oriented relationship goals, self-expansion, sexual satisfaction, and engagement. Certainly, personal factors have also emerged as being critical for thriving relationships such as the ability to self-regulate our emotions and thoughts.

Many of us wonder, who are those lucky people who “make it” in love? Sometimes I think it’s a miracle that any two people from different worlds get together and make love last for a while. Although it may seem like magic, it really is not. In my years of research (both brain and case studies) with couples in long-term love (published in the Review of General Psychology, 2009), I learned that all of these couples had some things in common. For example, I learned that they longed to be together, had strong friendships, and resolved conflict smoothly and effectively. They did not harbor resentments, but instead used humor to diffuse tensions. I also found that they could maintain intense romantic love, although it was quite different from the emotional-roller coasters and pining (termed infatuation) that is often confused for love in our culture.

All of this work inspired me to develop a practical tool (an iPhone app called “LoveSmart” that is free) to help people (and therapists) do self-assessments of their relationships. These self-assessments help users to gain some clarity, and increase their love/relationship knowledge. They also provide targeted insight and suggestions into areas of a relationship that may need some extra nurturing. It’s kind of like trouble-shooting except that you can do it for yourself (or your client). The broad goal for all this research is to make love less of a mystery enabling humanity to create loving and healthy relationships. The key I think is self-knowledge and awareness, and there is more than one way to get there, as I’ll discuss in my next blog.