How Do You Fight?

Part II of III
The Validating Couple

Validators can look similar to the second type of avoiders above—the difference is, that they do disagree, and they aren’t afraid to get into it. They’ll debate. They’ll accept each other’s influence. They’ll work on compromise. They’ll try to persuade each other of their point of view (something avoiders aren’t interested in at all). They’ll problem-solve and work to come up with a new way forward. They tend to be calmer in conflict, but they aren’t content to “agree to disagree.” They want to get somewhere.

We have some close friends who are classic validators, and it’s fascinating to watch them fight: they’ll express some emotion, but they’re very rational. Both will be brainstorming, mid-fight, to come up with some kind of logical compromise or solution that considers both points of view. Sometimes they arrive at one; other times they take turns (i.e., you won the last one, I’ll concede this time). They don’t raise their voices. It can get tense, but they quickly bring it back down to a more collaborative approach. Overall, they seem like teammates, not rivals.

Sounds pretty good, but even validators run into issues in conflict and face escalation: the moment when the fight starts getting heated. Validators tend to deal with escalation by taking breaks. They don’t want to be volatile. Instinctually, they shift to being more positive or validating to calm the interaction down. They’ll summarize the other person: “So you’re saying you want me to plan with my parents instead of making last-minute arrangements . . .” A classic hallmark of validators is that they are willing to abandon their position on something to stay out of big, volatile emotions. They’d rather give something up than risk an escalated quarrel. Often, that’s because they grew up with a volatile parent or guardian and now want to avoid that dynamic at any cost. So some questions we often have for validating couples include: Are you giving up too much to keep the peace? Is there room for emotion and exploration in your fights?

The Volatile Couple

A volatile couple has no problem expressing emotion—it’s completely natural for them. Their fights immediately move into heated debate, with high emotion and raised voices, but often with a lot of humor and positivity as well. The complete opposite of avoidant couples, these couples tend to have plenty of overlap in their roles and responsibilities domestically and within the relationships, and they debate and verbally wrestle over them frequently. They might even seem to enjoy arguing—for volatiles, this is, in part, how they connect.

In the very first longitudinal study we ever ran at the Love Lab, we had this particularly charismatic—and very volatile—couple we nicknamed “the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.” The duke and duchess seemed to relish fighting. They had no problem with the conflict task: they got an A+ on picking a topic and launching right into a heated conflict. They had no trouble addressing conflictual topics head-on—in one fight in particular, as they argued over whether or not they’d had a “good” marriage for the thirty years they’d been together, the duke asked his wife, “Would we have had a better marriage without children?”

“How could you say that?” she cried. “Of course! Those kids turned me into a drudge!”

He burst out laughing—and then so did she. Then they resumed wrangling over the ups and downs of their marriage, excitedly disagreeing and debating. For a conflict-avoider, just watching them interact would have made your heart race.

The duke and duchess were overall a happy couple—their fights could be explosive, but like a lot of successful volatile couples, their conflict was defined by humor, which kept things fairly positive. They understood how to make repairs and stay connected, and they made it for the long haul, reporting high levels of satisfaction on follow-ups.

Volatile couples can do well, but they are at risk for what we call “the Richardson Arms Race” in conflict. Lewis Fry Richardson was the mathematician who modeled the military escalation that preceded World War I—in brief, it’s a phenomenon where two nations increase preparations for war in response to a perception that the other party is increasing their preparation for war, leading to an exponential buildup of aggression. With a volatile couple who lose their humor and positivity and escalate negativity and aggression, they can end up in this “arms race” dynamic—now you have screaming, yelling, and flooding from one or both partners; later, the volatile couple might describe the fight as “out of control.” In the case of two people in a relationship, the “weapons” are metaphorical, but the exponential buildup into battle is real and can do real damage.

Which Conflict Style Is the Best?

Looking at these conflict profiles, it’s natural to conclude that the “validating” style of conflict is the healthiest and that couples who tend to be volatile or avoidant are less likely to be successful. And indeed, in the field of couples therapy, this was long believed to be true.

Relationships Essential Reads

How Overly Polite Communication Leads to Misunderstandings

6 Strategies for High Conflict Couples

Is it?

Part II of III: See Part III for the conclusion of this series.