How Do I Tell Someone They've Hurt My Feelings?

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In this journey through adulthood, it's not surprising to find yourself in situations where you have to make important choices. The feared "adulting," as we millennials love to call it.

How do I manage my finances? What type of insurance should I get? How do I ask for a loan? What should I take into account when thinking about buying a home?

Fortunately, we can find answers to many of these questions in conversations with colleagues or through a simple online search. But something we don't talk about so openly is the "emotional" and "interpersonal" aspect of #adulting. Ways to redefine our relationship with ourselves and with others, to have healthier adult relationships.

A key component of adult relationships is the way we communicate with other people. Specifically, how we cultivate an emotion-based communication. A unique opportunity to do this is to learn how to express to someone else when they've hurt your feelings. 

What to do? How to handle this? How much or how little should we say? Let's think about this more.

Express your feelings

An important part of vulnerability (as explained by Brené Brown), is the expression of emotions. Society has taught us that being "emotional" or "sensitive" is a bad thing when in reality it's a hidden superpower that–if used correctly–can bring us closer to other people.

Our emotional expression has to be the first step when we open these conversations. Telling someone how they made you feel when they said something or did something that hurt you not only humanizes you as a person, it can also activate someone else's empathy. And this can be a key factor of change for both of you.

Start with "I" statements

When we have emotional conversations with others, we rely a lot on what the other person did or said. Though important, I always recommend starting these conversations with "I" statements. For example, instead of saying:

"You mocked me when you said that in front of the entire office."

We can try to say:

"I felt humiliated when you made that comment."

In the first version, we are starting a conversation from a place of guilt. We are trying to make the other person feel guilty. In the second version, we are starting a conversation from a place of empathy and authenticity. And, when we do this, the "emotional walls" or a person's defense mechanisms immediately come down, and they can listen to us better.

Establishing an emotional co-responsibility

When I talk about an emotional co-responsibility, I'm referring to a conversation where both parties understand what steps need to be taken to prevent a certain situation from happening again.

When someone hurts your feelings, it's normal to think one person holds more responsibility than the other person. But, many times, the person who has been hurt can learn to express things in a more assertive way.

I recognize that it's often difficult to have this emotional conversation with other people—especially if we've grown up to believe that emotional expression is a sign of weakness—but I'd like to invite you to think about this. And, the next time you need to have this conversation, you already have a guide to managing it better.