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Depression
Depression and Friendship
A depressed friend feels her close friend wasn’t there when she needed her.
Posted July 31, 2016
QUESTION
Hi,
I’ve searched through the blog and although I have seen a lot of advice for friends of depressed people I don’t see much for those who have been or are the person who is depressed.
I had a very tough time over the last year that involved the break up of my marriage and a slide into the worst bout of depression yet. I am fortunately getting great help for my depression and feeling much better.
Over the last year, my very best friend of twenty years turned into being more unreliable and unsupportive than anyone I know and our friendship has blown up. A major part of the problem is that she is in an on and off relationship with a controlling and physically abusive man.
While I tried to support her in leaving him and to be there for her as much as possible, I eventually had to back off in a major way because I was dealing with my own problems. Also when she is with him she becomes extremely unreliable: breaking plans, lying to everyone, and unable to handle any criticism of her behavior. When they are off, she wants everyone to forgive and forget her bad behavior without an apology. I just can’t handle it anymore.
When I tried to ask for more support from during my depression, she told me I was difficult and a bitch, and that I needed to try harder.
To top off the drama – while in the midst of all the depression I ended up getting very drunk and sleeping with one of her exes at a party. She found out and said really horrible things to me about it while refusing to acknowledge that I was in a really dark place and just made a mistake.
She literally said I’m a slut, and I don’t deserve friends and I should kill myself. Believe me when I say I realize I made a mistake and the first step I took was to STOP binge drinking, which has meant distancing myself from my main group of friends (as that is their main social activity).
I just feel that in this situation she is really holding me to a higher standard than she ever holds herself (meaning she has gotten drunk and slept with someone she shouldn’t have many times)
I guess my question is: Is this friendship beyond repair? How do I figure out if I even want to repair it? She is still with the abusive boyfriend and I wonder if it ever ends will she turn back into the person I knew before. Can you repair a friendship with someone who refuses to acknowledge that they are also at fault for things that have happened?
Signed, Amy
ANSWER
Hi Amy,
It’s great that you sought help for your depression and are feeling better. Removing yourself from alcohol-fueled social situations is a good step, too.
Depression can affect so many aspects of a person’s life, including their friendships. A depressed friend may not have sufficient energy or interest to be with other people, even close friends. Someone who is depressed may also be sad, self-absorbed and difficult to be with. And, sometimes, depression is associated with the misuse of alcohol and/or other drugs in an effort to “self-medicate.”
Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend was simultaneously dealing with a different set of problems that prevented her from providing you the support you might expect from a close friend. Moreover, her telling you to just “try harder” suggests she didn’t really understand the depths and despair of depression, and how immobilizing it can be.
Understandably, when two friends are both very needy and hurting at the same time, it can be hard for them to be there for each other.
Re: The issue of sleeping with her “ex”: Even though you were depressed and drinking when this happened, she can still hold you accountable for your behavior. It sounds like the incident was pretty hurtful to her. Although she may have gotten drunk and slept with people, too, what hurt her in this case was “whom” you wound up sleeping with. If you want to maintain a friendship, you need to apologize for your behavior without invoking your friend’s past history. It’s not relevant.
Because you say that your friend is still involved in an abusive relationship that impacts your friendship in many negative ways, you may need to back off from the friendship until she extricates herself from this relationship. In fact, since the friendship always seem so tumultuous and unsatisfying, you may want to consider your motivations for continuing it at all.
One way you can be helpful to this person who was your friend is by directing her to community domestic violence resources that can be of help to her. In the meantime, for your own best interests, you should begin to cultivate other friendships that are less draining and dramatic.
It doesn’t sound like either one of you was at fault, per se. You probably both did the best you could do under the circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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