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QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have been friends with someone for over twenty years. She's remarried to a guy, whom I don't think likes my husband or me. We use to be invited to her Christmas party every year. NO more. Last time I was there, she made sure I was not there when he came home, and our time was limited because she was going to a party with his friends.
She drinks a lot, too, and so does he. We don't drink. She took me out for my birthday and I felt it was the last time she wanted to be around me. Is it time to say goodbye to her?
She has used me a lot over the years but giving up on this friendship really hurts. I was always there for her. She didn't even invite my son or me to her son's graduation party. She said she had to buy tickets, which was a lie, but all her other friends are going. I am so sad when I think about all the time I spent with her. Should I write her a goodbye letter? It's just too much work to keep it going.
Signed, Sara
ANSWER
Hi Sara,
It's always hard to give up on a long-time friendship that has a lot of shared history and your ambivalence is understandable. When one or both friends marry or remarry, it can change the nature of their friendship.
Your impression that your friend and her husband are pulling away sounds accurate based on what you wrote. Another factor that may be playing a role: It is often tricky for individuals (or couples) to socialize when one party imbibes a lot and the other is a teetotaler.
Apart from the concerns you have about her husband, it sounds like you now feel uncomfortable being around your friend, sense that she is pulling away from you, and no longer trust her. Unless you feel strongly about giving it one more try, I would let go of the relationship at this point.
I wound not send a goodbye letter because that would likely have the effect of cementing the death of the friendship. Letting it drift apart naturally--as seems to be happening--allows for the possibility of getting together in the future, should circumstances or feelings change.
As I have said many times in the past, all friendships don't last forever. In fact, the great majority of them drift apart with time. Presumably, you were involved with this friend for so long because the friendship was mutually satisfying. It's understandable that you would feel sad about the loss but you shouldn't feel a sense of regret.
Also worth thinking about: If upon looking back, you feel that you allowed yourself to participate all along in a one-sided friendship, you need to figure out why you did so you don't place yourself in the same position again.
Hope this helps.
Warm regards, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about legacy friendships:
