The 3 P's of Feedback: Positive, on Point, and Personal

This post is the third in a series on the 10 Commandments of Feedback.

The giving and receiving of feedback is a key interpersonal skill that applies way beyond the workplace. It's also essential for healthy relationships between couples, between parents and children, and between friends and neighbors. I recently sat down to distill my experiences coaching executives to give better feedback into The Ten Commandments of Feedback.

In this post, we'll focus on Commandments 6, 7, and 8.

Commandment 6: To the point, not the person

In philosophy, arguments that focus on the character of the arguer rather than the content of their argument are considered fallacious. There’s even a Latin name for them: ad hominem, meaning “to the person.” Ad hominem feedback should also be avoided. Keep your feedback to the point. Don’t say, “You’re so competitive and inconsiderate.” Say, “Next time you see me running for the elevator, please hold the doors open, so that both of us can get to the meeting on time, and not just you.”

Relatedly, if you’re too angry to give feedback without getting personal or if you suspect the receiver is too emotional right now to listen to your feedback without taking what you say as a personal attack, wait. After things have cooled down, approach with caution and keep the conversation focused on specific behaviors and responses. And if, mid-feedback, you feel things are going off track and becoming personal, suggest a pause and resume when you’re both better able to talk more calmly and objectively.

Commandment 7: With love from me to you

If you’re really giving feedback, as opposed to attacking someone, you’re doing them a favor. It’s an act of generosity. You’re risking their anger and them blaming you, the messenger, because you care about them and their success. So, unlike the content of the feedback, the act of feedback-giving should always be personal. Don’t quote others or assume the voice of an omniscient view from nowhere. Own the feedback you’re giving. Not “Bob felt you were unnecessarily aggressive in there” But, instead, “I could see you were finding Bob’s answers frustrating. But I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to raise your voice like that in the office.” Not “You’re becoming lazy” but instead, “The number of mistakes I found in this email made me wonder whether you were concentrating when you wrote it. Is there something going on that you want to tell me about?”

Commandment 8: Accentuate the positive

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. That isn’t just an old proverb. Psychological research on learning has shown that positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement. So don’t fall into the trap of giving feedback only after something’s gone wrong. Remember to give it also when things go right.

More specifically, try to frame critical feedback in positive terms. Some of you might be familiar with the “compliment sandwich.” This is the practice of sandwiching critical feedback between two compliments. For example, “Thanks for keeping the meeting short. I don’t think you gave us enough time to explore alternatives in part two. But nice job on adding deadlines to the to-do list.”

Personally, I’m not a fan of formulas like the compliment sandwich. First, because they’re formulaic, they often feel that way to the receiver. Second, in my work with executives around the world, I’ve noticed that the ratio between compliments and critique varies by culture. In many nonprofit settings in the United States, for example, the expected compliment-to-critique ratio is around three to one, whereas in academic settings in Israel, the expected ratio is approximately inverted—one compliment to three critiques. Third, the important thing about framing critical feedback in positive terms is not the number of compliments you give relative to the number of critiques. It’s that the recipient understands you’re on their side and that you’re trying to help them improve their performance.

So, instead of a compliment sandwich in which you focus on the compliment-to-critique ratio, think about what you can say to encourage the recipient that they’re making important contributions and improvements, and that this additional improvement will enable them to do even better.

For example, “I liked how you got the client talking about his family while we were waiting for the meeting to start and then referred to his daughters’ soccer game during your pitch. That made it personal and showed you were listening. But you almost blew it when you were too busy looking at your phone to see him trying to shake your hand when he left. Try to remember what we discussed last week: The pitch isn’t over until the client has left the building.”