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Key points
- Sadness signals that we have lost or failed and cannot succeed on our own
- The deactivation that comes with sadness makes us stop and think more carefully
- Sadness prompts us to let go of goals that are unlikely to succeed
Most people hate feeling sad. We feel sad when we have lost or failed, and we perceive that there is nothing we can do to turn the situation around. No one likes to feel that way, and so we often try to distract ourselves from the situation by filling our time or refusing to think about it.
We live in a culture that emphasizes triumph over obstacles. The message is that if we try hard enough, long enough, and we have enough grit, then we can win.
But sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we lose. This can be something small, like failing a test or losing an item we care about. Or it can be something important, like the death of a loved one or the end of an important relationship.
This is when we need sadness. The emotion of sadness encourages us to stop and think. We enter a state of “de-activation” where our physical responses, like heart rate and breathing, slow down. Our motivation to take action also decreases—we are less likely to engage in behavior. We become more pessimistic and risk-averse, which also encourages us to stop and not act.
During this de-activation, our focus turns inward and we think in ways that are more detailed and analytic. We ruminate over what went wrong and what we could have done differently.
To be clear, none of this feels good. But studies show that feeling sad is a critical part of moving on after failure or loss. Before we can take on new challenges, we have to give up and disengage from what we’ve lost.
People who report feeling sad are better able to disengage from the lost goal, and their emotional well-being is better over time. Even though sadness feels bad in the moment, it has benefits long term when we encounter a setback; it stops us from wasting time and effort pursuing dreams that are unlikely to happen. This seems to be especially important as we grow older, and need to prioritize more how we’ll use our limited resources.
What does this mean? Sadness promotes us taking a hard, realistic look at whether it’s time to give up on a goal or re-prioritize to other goals that are more likely to succeed. Sadness means we failed or lost, but it does not mean we are failures or losers. It signals to us that something needs to change so we can succeed.
It means you should feel better about feeling sad.
