Does My Boss Dislike Me?

By Joshua Plutchik and Lori Plutchik

You thought you had landed your dream job. The company is fantastic, and the salary and benefits exceed your expectations. You began your new position with enthusiasm, energy, and motivation. Then, the nightmare began. The boss who seemed so welcoming during the interview has transformed into an ogre, seemingly out to get you. It feels like you can do nothing right, and you can’t fathom why they seem to dislike you despite your fulfilling every request. What has gone wrong, and how do you fix it?

Trust Your Gut Instincts

If you sense a problem, you are likely picking up on something real, even if it is subtle. Are you being left off important emails? Is your authority being undermined at staff meetings? Are you being criticized unfairly? Start by discussing it privately with someone you trust, such as a family member or close friend. Be honest with yourself about whether you are overreacting or if you are objectively noticing problematic behavior from your boss. If it’s the latter, it’s time to be intentional about your plan of action to improve the situation.

Do Not Behave Impulsively

Think through the specific problems and organize your thoughts, perhaps by writing a list. Rash actions can often exacerbate the situation. When emotions run high, it’s easy to react impulsively, but taking a moment to step back and assess the situation objectively can be invaluable. Clearly identify the issues, reflect on your reactions, and seek trusted perspectives. Once you thoroughly understand the problems, carefully plan your response to avoid hasty decisions that might worsen the situation.

Communicate Directly With Your Boss

When we feel attacked, our instinctive response is often to fight or flee. You might have the impulse to retreat from your boss because they are unpleasant or intimidating. You might feel anxious or angry and not want these emotions to show. However, direct communication is essential. Identify your boss’s specific concerns, as they may stem from a misunderstanding or an innocent mistake. Start by ascertaining the issues to effectively address them. If arranging a prompt face-to-face meeting is not feasible, writing a direct, concise email may be acceptable. Do not try to be a mind reader; you may misinterpret the issue entirely.

Do Not Behave Defensively

Refrain from criticizing your boss or discussing your emotions. For example, instead of saying, “I was really hurt that you criticized me at that meeting,” stick to the facts: “The presentation did not include everything you hoped for. Can you provide guidance on what you want included so I can improve next time?” Repeat back to your boss what they recommend to ensure clear understanding. Validate their point of view and propose that they review a draft or outline for an important meeting to meet their standards.

Follow Work Etiquette

Never disparage your boss or engage in gossip with colleagues. No matter how upset you may be, do not vent about your boss at work. Instead, discuss your concerns with a family member or trusted friend. Even if you believe someone at work is trustworthy or agrees with you, it could reach your boss and tarnish your professional reputation.

Be Polite and Never Act Entitled

Despite your frustrations, remain respectful of your boss’s time and try to accommodate their schedule for meetings. Express gratitude for their time and feedback. Try to interpret criticism literally rather than personally, and adopt a problem-solving mindset. This is challenging but crucial for improving your relationship and work performance. Identify the specific actions your boss is requesting and outline concrete steps you can take to enhance your performance.

Do the Opposite of What You Feel

When your instinct is to avoid, that is precisely the time to engage. Maintaining frequent contact with your boss, even through brief emails, can help clarify work goals and swiftly address potential issues. Collaborate with your boss to determine the frequency and method of regular check-ins to ensure consistent communication and alignment.

Make Your Boss Look Good

Strive to be perceived as an asset rather than a problem. If you make your boss’ life easier, they are more likely to see you as invaluable to the team, ultimately making your life easier.

Show Positive Energy

Even if you feel angry or unappreciated, do not project negative energy in the workplace. A positive and enthusiastic attitude is generally better received by those around you and tends to elicit a more positive response toward you.

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Do Not Be Too Hard on Yourself

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, improving a relationship with a difficult boss remains elusive. Reflect honestly on your experiences. Do you have a pattern of repeated conflicts with bosses, or do you receive similar feedback in different situations? If so, it may be beneficial to examine these patterns with a trusted loved one or therapist. However, if it is an isolated conflict, a well-thought-out and intentional strategy may help you turn things around.

Adhering to these steps can help you more effectively navigate the complexities of dealing with a difficult boss, ultimately improving your relationship and professional standing.