The Connection Cure: 6 Ways to Beat Loneliness

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What’s a major health problem affecting half of all adults in the United States today? It’s not a disease but rather an epidemic of loneliness.

This spring, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory about the crisis of loneliness. In conversations with people around the country, he found that loneliness was common: One in two adults reported experiencing it in recent years, even before the pandemic. This isolation from others can harm not only our mental health but our physical well-being as well, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

The solution is social connection. It is a principle I explore in my forthcoming book about Black women and mental health. From infancy, we crave connection with someone mirroring us and engaging us emotionally — first our parents, then others in our environment. When we don’t have consistent and deep connections as children, it affects how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory holds that lack of connection in childhood has consequences for our relationships later in life: We may become too clingy or avoidant, pushing people away.

Human beings need secure attachments to others to survive and to thrive. While our society encourages individualism and competition, these values are not what we need most. As author Yuval Noah Harari has stated, “Evolution can no longer be held by the idea of ‘survival of the fittest;’ it is more appropriately ‘survival of the most connected.’”

As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival.

This concept is not new to Black people. We hail from a collectivist culture that recognizes the link between individual wellness and community. As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival. That’s why our cultural celebrations like Kwanzaa celebrate unity and coming together for the common good.

We know this intuitively. We are biologically wired to bond with other human beings, individually to a partner, sisterfriend, or child, and also communally to groups and community. Our connections are where we seek communal experiences; where we can find a common place/space between ourselves and others that help us feel whole. There are steps you can take to cultivate more meaningful and enriching connections in your life.

6 Ways to Create or Deepen Our Connections

1. Plan a gathering or getaway. In addition to routine get-togethers or vacations, organize an experience with an individual or group you want to build a stronger connection with. This could be with a new friend or coworker. A game night, potluck, day trip, or regular walking dates with a girlfriend could be just what you need to deepen the bond between you and even start a new tradition.
2. Touch base regularly. Be intentional about reaching out to a family member or friend at least once a week. Make it an appointment in your calendar. Go through your address book and respond to any connections that resonate with or speak to you. Don’t just text; visit in person or make a call. Include someone with whom you lost contact and would like to reconnect.
3. Write a letter or card. Old-school and languid letter writing has been overshadowed by rapid-fire emails and text messages. Research shows that expressing fondness and admiration can help to improve your relationships. Take the time to write a letter to a friend or relative you seldom see. Share a good memory and perhaps something you miss about them, and ask how they’re doing. For special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, forgo the digital card and write a genuine, detailed message.
4. Have sit-down meals. If you don’t already sit around the table to eat meals with your family, start now. Plan to have dinner together once a week or a Sunday brunch. Encourage children and teens to do it even when they don’t want to; do your part to model connecting. Decide on the menu and cook together. Turn off the TV, tuck away devices, and engage with each other.
5. Practice being present. Whenever you connect with others, make a conscious effort to be fully focused. Turn off or put away your phone and agree that everyone will ignore technology during your time together. If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list or some worry, notice it and bring yourself back to the moment at hand by tuning into the person in front of you — how they look, sound, and move. Think about what you appreciate most about them, and notice how you feel when you do so.
6. Get involved. Forge new connections by joining an organization or movement that aligns with your values. GirlTrek is a perfect example: it brings Black women together for physical activity and cultural connection. Like to read? Start a book club with friends or neighbors. You can also volunteer with your church or a local nonprofit organization that speaks to your passions. See a problem in your community? Brainstorm how to join with others to fix it. Websites like VolunteerMatch or Greatnonprofits might spark some ideas.

Investing time and effort to cultivate and nurture your connections regularly will help you avoid the crisis of loneliness and enrich your life and relationships.

Join us for the next cohort of S.W.E.L.L. (Single Women Embracing Life and Love), starting Wednesday Sept. 27. It’s an 8-week virtual support circle for single women. We’ll use literature and lyrics to explore topics like self-love, boundaries, and putting your best self forward in relationships. Registration is required.