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There has been so much loss, and such dire loss during the COVID-19 pandemic, that many of us feel guilty if we are not happy just to be alive. But like awe and laughter and fear and love, sadness is part of the human condition.
We are built for daily life, and when it is disrupted, even in small ways, we feel stress, anxiety, and, yes, sadness. We sleep well when we can predict what’s coming next, but we are on alert all night when we can’t. This is because our adrenaline flows to prepare us for emergencies, disasters, and the unknown. But adrenaline is meant for short-term emergencies, like running from a bear. What happens when it flows for eight pandemic months? We exhaust our supply of mood-elevating serotonin in our brain and of potassium in our muscles. We hyperventilate until our chest hurts and obsess until there’s a migraine. We feel tired and yearn for normalcy. Every missed opportunity to celebrate a birthday or a graduation, start an IVF cycle, or even just share a drink, feels like one too many losses.
And don’t be surprised if you have more than one feeling at a time. You may feel lucky to be safely sheltered and still yearn for everything you are missing. You may feel gratitude that your family is safe but heartbroken that your dog is with them and not you. You can organize your wallet and feel in control and then watch the news and feel overwhelmed.
Although some sense of loss is inevitable during times like these, the sadness does not have to dominate your mood. Small changes in your perspective can make significant changes in your emotions. Try these:
1. Normalize your feelings
Feeling sad is hard enough. Don’t add insult to injury by blaming yourself for your feelings. You can feel the pain of everyone who lost a loved one and still feel pain when you have to cancel a weekend with your friends. Don’t feel guilty; feel normal. Understand that taking care of yourself is first and foremost, then let go of any emotion that makes you feel less than your best self.
2. Comfort yourself
Don’t scold yourself for grief if the loss is small; comfort yourself. Scolding will not change your feelings. Besides, the good news is that grief over small losses passes sooner than grief over bigger losses. But it is grief, nonetheless, so treat it as such. Think about it this way—when you’ve grieved in the past, how have loved ones comforted you? Do that for yourself.
3. Don’t withdraw
Deal with your grief by sticking to routines. Then create even more routines, to-do lists, and schedules. You may want to turn off your cell phone, close your laptop, pull the shades down, curl up, and opt-out, but it is our daily life that moves us forward. Our friends and family can help us, and we can help them. So, take a break and then tune in again because it’s our connections and appointments that are still predictable and under our control.
4. Live for today
Have you heard the advice, “Stay in the here and now”? It means you should try to avoid re-living the past because you can’t change it. And avoid pre-living the future because your anxieties may be unfounded. Be mindful of the minute instead. Your losses will move away from your focus and become your background as you focus on the here and now.
5. Reach out
If your world has begun to feel unreal, one of the best ways to reconnect is to talk to someone who feels the same way as you. But choose your listener wisely. You don’t need a lecture, a scolding, or even advice. You just need to be heard, understood, and accepted. And to give all three in return.
6. Be your own best friend
Choose to accept your feelings and then give yourself some good ones, too. Lull yourself with music slower than your heartbeat, rock yourself while hugging a pillow, and be as accepting of your own feelings as you are of your loved ones. Be your own best friend as you heal and move forward into the future.
When grieving things both large and small, the most important thing is to remember these feelings are meant to be felt. Give yourself the right to be sad, but the permission to feel better, too. If it takes a while to crawl out from under an avalanche of small losses, give yourself a break and give yourself the time you need. Resilience is as natural as sadness after any loss, great or small, and you’ll get there when you’re ready.
