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Key points
- To manage stress and difficult emotions, children use a mix of active and avoidant coping strategies.
- New research examined the amount of active and avoidant coping skills that children of divorced parents used and their mental health concerns..
- A higher ratio of active to avoidant coping was associated with fewer mental health problems.
- Parents can increase children’s active coping through modeling, active listening, problem solving, quality time, and screen time limits.
by Neil Farber and Rana Uhlman
Children are dealing with a lot these days. With many kids finishing up their first school year back from virtual learning, it’s not surprising that the U.S. Surgeon General has recognized that the increase in stress correlates with a surge of youth mental health problems. According to the CDC, over the last decade, rates of mental health problems among young people, including depression, anxiety, and suicide risk have been increasing steadily.
There is good news: New research from Arizona State University’s REACH Institute has shown that the severity of their mental health problems may be related to the way children cope with difficulties.1 For example, children can actively tackle a problem by doing things like coming up with a solution or sharing their feelings with a parent. Or, children can avoid problems by doing things like playing a video game or pushing away tough thoughts.
In our research study of children (ages 9-12) whose parents were recently divorced, we found that the ratio of types of coping (i.e. how much of each self-reported coping type—active vs. avoidant) was closely associated with the extent and frequency of children’s mental health problems. Somewhat surprisingly, the total amount of coping was less important. Children who used more active strategies (like problem solving) than avoidant strategies (like ignoring the problem) turned out to be mentally healthier.
Completely cutting out all sugar is a great, but impractical way of keeping kids healthier. So instead we add more servings of fruits and vegetables. Similarly, rather than trying to stop all avoidant behavior, a more effective method to improve mental health appears to be by adding more servings of active coping.
Avoidant coping may help manage short-term stressors outside of children's control, but isn’t necessarily helpful for all situations. Having a higher ACTIVE/AVOIDANT ratio appears to be the critical factor related to fewer mental health issues.
Active coping strategies can be learned. Following are five evidence-based strategies that parents can start using today to help children increase active coping and potentially limit mental health problems.
1. Lead by Example. “Do as I say and as I do." Kids learn by observing and copying how their parents respond to their own emotions.2 Therefore, you can help your child identify and cope with their emotions by narrating, in an age-appropriate way, the healthy way in which you are choosing to manage difficulties.
This can be as simple as, “Wow, I’m feeling really frustrated that we were late and the bank already closed. I’m going to take some deep breaths. Let’s try again tomorrow.”
If they’re used to seeing you do this, putting words to their emotions when they are struggling will feel easier.
2. Increase Active Listening. Do your kids get “I-don’t-know”-itis or clam up when you ask them about their day or something that happened at school? The way you respond to your child sharing can make or break their decision to share their future feelings.2
This begins by asking them what they need from you. As a parent, it can be hard to resist the urge to help by jumping in with problem-solving to resolve the issue. Often, kids just want a listening ear. Follow their lead if they choose not to problem solve.
Next, open your ears with active listening skills. This means putting down your phone and limiting distractions, making eye contact, and using “tell me more” questions rather than jumping to conclusions.
Finally, summarizing their feelings back to them signals that you understand and helps them identify their emotions. This may sound like “It must have been really frustrating when your friend said that to you” or “You’re really sad that you’re not going to be in the same class as her next year.” Parents may want to downplay feelings to make kids feel better ("Don’t worry, you’ll make new friends") but this often has the opposite effect, as children may feel misunderstood or minimized. Be in their corner by helping them label the emotion and waiting to follow their lead.
3. Guide Problem-Solving. If your child does want to problem-solve, build their confidence by including them in the brainstorming.3 First, get everyone on the same page by defining the problem. Then, generate all possible solutions—even silly ones. Next, help them weigh the pros and cons. After they pick a solution, help them figure out what the first steps will be, even if they wouldn’t be your first choice. Finally, check back in as to how the solution worked and if a different solution needs to be tried, or a new problem needs to be solved.
4. Increase Quality Time. Social connection is an important foundation for mental health. By carving out regular periods of time each week for you and your child (or entire family) to connect on a shared activity, you’re strengthening their social support system and making it easier for them to come to you with difficulties.4 Similar to active listening, the greatest benefit with this strategy comes from active engagement (e.g., going for a walk, playing a board game) rather than passive coexistence (e.g., watching TV). If you’re up for a challenge, the entire family can put screens aside to get the most out of this time.
5. Create a Screen Time Routine. Kids are getting more screen time than ever before. Not only can this lead to shortened attention span and increased irritability,5 but it can also become an outlet for kids to avoid managing problems or tough emotions. Parents can support children by creating routines for technology that limit screen time.6 Less time spent on screens directly translates into more opportunities to connect with your child, making it easier to use all of the strategies above.
Using these five strategies will help you connect with your child and increase their ability to manage the stress that the world throws at them—making them healthier and happier as they continue to grow, physically and emotionally.
Rana Uhlman a doctoral student completing her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology at Arizona State University. She specializes in child and family therapy and works in the REACH (Research and Education Advancing Children’s Health) Institute with Drs. Sharlene Wolchik and Irwin Sandler. The REACH Institute develops, evaluates, and disseminates stress prevention programs for children and families. More than 5,000 families have participated in REACH programs to date.
References
1. O’Hara, K. L., West, S. G., Uhlman, R. N., Rhodes, C. A., Wolchik, S. A., & Irwin N. Sandler, I. N. (In Preparation). Associations between the pattern and level of children’s coping and their mental health problems after parental separation/divorce.
2. Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
3. Ehrenreich-May, J., Rosenfield, D., Queen, A. H., Kennedy, S. M., Remmes, C. S., & Barlow, D. H. (2017). An initial waitlist-controlled trial of the unified protocol for the treatment of emotional disorders in adolescents. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 46, 46-55.
4. Ayers, T. S., Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Twohey, J. L., Weyer, J. L., Padgett-Jones, S., Weiss, L., Cole, E., & Kriege, G. (2013). The family bereavement program: Description of a theory-based prevention program for parentally-bereaved children and adolescents. Omega (United States), 68(4), 293–314. https://doi.org/10.2190/OM.68.4.a
5. Swing, E. L., Gentile, D. A., Anderson, C. A., & Walsh, D. A. (2010). Television and video game exposure and the development of attention problems. Pediatrics, 126(2), 214-221
6. Ramirez, E. R., Norman, G. J., Rosenberg, D. E., Kerr, J., Saelens, B. E., Durant, N., & Sallis, J. F. (2011). Adolescent screen time and rules to limit screen time in the home. Journal of Adolescent Health, 48(4), 379-385.
