How to Control Death

Controlling Death

Source: Sean Shinnock, used with permission.

First things first: Let's start by acknowledging that nobody can control death itself. The timing of when a person dies can be altered with medical technology and behavioral modifications, but when it comes to actually dying, no one can escape that. What a person can "control" are their anxious thoughts and actions surrounding death.

All of us have experience with trying to control death. For example, you find out a person you know died in a car accident, and immediately you check to see what they did "wrong." Were they driving too fast, did they not have a seatbelt on, were they texting and driving? These questions are typically instinctual and automatic and they are a way of allowing ourselves to feel more "in control" than the deceased. The reason we have this response is that we do not like the feeling of how vulnerable we are in the world. For most of us, it creates an enormous amount of fear that each day could be our last.

There is a subtype of OCD, known as death anxiety OCD, where the sufferer cannot stop thinking about their own death or the death of a loved one. Most people are relieved of thinking about death because they do certain behaviors to feel "safe" but then usually get distracted by the everyday nuances of life. However, the OCD sufferer cannot get distracted and is unable to control doing behaviors (compulsions), to attempt to keep everyone safe from death.

Facing one's fears

The eternal question of how to control these death anxieties is actually answered by enjoying life, living it to the fullest, and, ironically, by taking certain risks. The main ingredient to relieving anxiety is facing one's fears. That being said, taking certain risks can make one's brain feel safer from death and dying.

I, in no way, am referring to "actual" life-threatening risks. I am not talking about going out today and jumping in front of traffic. I am referring to risks that are needed to enjoy life but might be avoided because of fear. Here are some examples: avoiding flying on planes, movie theaters, crowded places, etc. I have seen people engage in all these avoidance behaviors because they felt there was too much "risk" associated with it.

Moving past death anxiety

I once had a client who refused to step foot on a tennis court because he had a friend that had a heart attack while playing tennis. My client's "anxious logic" was that if he did not play tennis, he was safe and "cheating" death. In actuality, by not playing tennis, he was training his brain into believing that tennis is "deadly" and by avoiding such things he was "safe." This type of cycle actually makes death anxiety worse.

This client enrolled in my RIP-R therapy program for OCD (see "Can This New OCD Treatment Help Where Others Fall Short?"). As part of his therapy, the client needed to find the inspiration to get on the tennis courts. He used his deceased friend as his motivation. He decided that the ultimate way to honor his friend's memory was for him to play the sport his friend loved most. Once the client was back on the courts and taking "the risk," then and only then did the client feel like he was actually "living." This feeling helped ultimately reduce my client's anxieties regarding death. This client, as inspiration, used a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, in order to help push himself: "It is not length of life, but depth of life."