Is It Possible to Make Yourself Love Someone Less?

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A few weeks ago, I was at a big gathering with friends when an acquaintance approached me and asked, “I hear you help people with their relationships. I have to ask… how can I make myself love someone less?”

Since I’m someone who’s generally thinking about how to make people love each other more, I was slightly taken aback by the question.

My initial gut response was to tell him that the emotional “out” he was looking for was probably not possible. “Well,” I started, “People can’t really stop themselves from feeling their feelings. Saying you shouldn’t feel love is like saying you shouldn’t feel cold. It doesn’t really make sense.”

But the question lingered with me. There are certainly legitimate situations in which it’s in one’s best interest to disengage from someone emotionally. After thinking about it more deeply, I’ve come to the conclusion that while you may not be able to cut off feelings of love, there are things you can do to make the situation better.

Here are three ways to help yourself when feeling love is causing you pain…

1. If you’re feeling the desire to love someone less, it likely means that you believe this person doesn’t love you as much as you love them.

A good first step towards fixing this painful situation is to tell this person exactly that. In other words, make it clear to them that you feel like they don’t love you to the degree you’d like… and that it’s causing you pain.

While it’s certainly hard to be this honest, it would be a tragedy to pull away from someone who actually does love you but doesn’t know how to show it. Being upfront in this way prevents that from happening.

This person may have been unaware that they weren’t expressing their love sufficiently. But once they become aware, they have the opportunity to start expressing their love better.

2. Our first point leads right into our second point, which is: tell this person how you’d like to be loved.

A great deal of miscommunication happens because different people show love in different ways. It’s possible this person was simply showing you love in a way that didn’t register with you.

For some people, they don't feel loved if they don't see the other person everyday. For others, it's more about having deep conversations. Some people don't feel loved if there's no physical intimacy.

Figure out specifically what you want the other person to be doing differently and communicate that.

3. If the other person still doesn't give you the love and care you need even after you've explained it to them, it’s a good idea to set boundaries.

Call them less… or not at all. See them less… or not at all. Make it clear what you will and won’t do for them. If enough distance is put between you two, emotional distance is likely to follow.

While it’s certainly hard to distance yourself from someone you truly love, staying engaged in the relationship at this point may cause you additional pain and suffering that you don't deserve. And, if you followed the steps outlined in this article, you can rest assured that you did your best to make it work.

Good luck and I hope you get the love and care you so deserve!