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Relationships
The 8 Different Types of Breakups and What They Teach Us
Not all breakups are the same. Which type was yours?
Posted October 10, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Understanding which type of breakup you had can help you make sense of your emotions and heal with purpose.
- Letting go of “the one that got away” means learning to release comparisons.
- We can never fully predict or control someone else’s actions.
Breakups. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are quiet and mutual, while others leave us feeling like the world as we knew it has collapsed. Whether it felt like a quick rip of the Band-Aid or a slow unraveling, each breakup carries its own kind of pain. But what if we could shift our perspective and see breakups for what they really are—opportunities for profound growth?
In my book Break Up. On Purpose, I explore the different types of breakups we experience throughout life, and what each can teach us. Because, while breakups are painful, they also hold immense potential. Understanding which type of breakup you’ve gone through can help you make sense of your emotions and guide you toward healing with purpose.
Let’s dive into the eight types of breakups—and what they have to offer you.
1. The Big One Breakup (The One You Compare All To)
We all have that one: the relationship you thought would last forever, the one that seemed perfect—until it wasn’t. This is the breakup that becomes the measuring stick for all others, the relationship that leaves a deep emotional imprint on your heart. Every relationship that follows somehow gets compared to this one.
What this breakup teaches you: This type of breakup forces you to confront your attachment styles and emotional triggers. It teaches you to stop romanticizing the past and, instead, to begin the real work of healing. Letting go of “the one that got away” means learning to release the comparisons and to accept each new relationship for what it is, without constantly holding it up to the past.
2. The Blindsided Breakup
One moment, everything feels fine. You’re planning your future, thinking about where the relationship is headed, and then, suddenly—out of nowhere—they drop the bomb. It’s over. This is the breakup you never saw coming, and the shock is as devastating as the end of the relationship itself.
What this breakup teaches you: The blindsided breakup is a reminder that no matter how much we think we can control our relationships, we can never fully predict or control someone else’s actions. It teaches us the importance of building emotional resilience and not relying solely on our relationship for our sense of self. While you can’t control what happens to you, you can control how you heal and how you choose to move forward.
3. The “Flat Soda” (Mutual) Breakup
You both saw it coming. The spark has faded, the connection is gone, and you’re both just going through the motions. This breakup is like a soda that’s lost its fizz—there’s no big fight or betrayal, just the quiet understanding that it’s time to call it quits.
What this breakup teaches you: The “flat soda” breakup reminds you that relationships need continuous effort and care to stay vibrant. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things naturally fizzle out. This type of breakup shows you that it’s OK to walk away when a relationship no longer serves you. It also teaches the importance of listening to your emotional needs and not settling for a relationship that feels “just OK.”
4. The You-Cheated/You-Left-Me-for-Someone Else Breakup
There’s no deeper betrayal than being cheated on or left for someone else. The trust you built is shattered, and the emotional fallout can feel unbearable. The betrayal cuts deep, and it often leaves you questioning not only your relationship but also your self-worth.
What this breakup teaches you: This breakup teaches you the critical importance of trust and boundaries in relationships. It forces you to confront your own self-worth and realize that someone else’s betrayal is not a reflection of your value. Healing from this kind of breakup means rediscovering your strength, rebuilding your self-esteem, and, ultimately, learning to trust again—first in yourself and, eventually, in others.
5. The Soap Opera Breakup
This is the breakup that plays out like a drama-filled TV show. There’s yelling, tears, and maybe even some public displays of emotion. This kind of breakup is filled with unresolved feelings, emotional manipulation, and explosive reactions. It leaves you emotionally drained and exhausted from the highs and lows.
What this breakup teaches you: The soap opera breakup is a lesson in emotional boundaries. It’s easy to get swept up in the drama, but this breakup reminds you that you deserve peace, not chaos. It also pushes you to reflect on why you were drawn to such volatility in the first place and how you can avoid getting trapped in similar dynamics in the future.
6. The Almost-Relationship Breakup
You were never officially “together,” but it sure felt like you were. Maybe you were talking for months, shared deep emotional connections, or even hooked up regularly, but you never took that next step. When it ends, it can feel just as painful as a real breakup—despite the lack of formal commitment.
What this breakup teaches you: The almost-relationship breakup teaches you about the importance of clarity and boundaries. It’s easy to fall into the gray area of undefined relationships, but you deserve someone who’s fully in. This breakup highlights the need for both parties to be on the same page emotionally and teaches you to advocate for your needs in any future relationship.
7. The Breakup That Never Ends
On again, off again, repeat. This breakup drags on for months, maybe even years. You break up, you get back together, you break up again—and the cycle seems endless. While there’s intense emotion, there’s also instability and a lack of growth.
What this breakup teaches you: This breakup is a wake-up call to examine your patterns. Why do you keep coming back? What unresolved issues are you avoiding? The never-ending breakup forces you to reflect on your emotional boundaries and to break the cycle by prioritizing your own well-being. It’s a tough but essential lesson in choosing yourself over the familiarity of dysfunction.
8. The D-Word (Divorce)
Divorce isn’t just a breakup; it’s the dismantling of a life you built together. There are legal battles, financial concerns, and often children involved. Divorce feels like a complete unraveling of everything you thought you knew, and it can take years to process the emotional and practical challenges it brings.
What this breakup teaches you: Divorce teaches resilience and reinvention. It forces you to rebuild from the ground up and to rediscover who you are outside of the marriage. This breakup reminds you that even in the face of the deepest loss, there is still the potential for new beginnings. Divorce offers you the chance to reconstruct your life—this time, on your own terms.
Which Breakup Was Yours?
Every breakup, no matter how painful, carries with it a lesson. Understanding the type of breakup you experienced can help you make sense of the emotions you’re carrying and offer a clearer path to healing.
