Adolescence and the Growing Power of Earning What One Wants

Source: Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.

A reader query got me thinking about the power of earning (working for what you want) in adolescent growth. Paraphrased, the question read like this.

“What is your stance on whether a new teen driver should partly pay for operating, maintenance, and insurance costs of a family vehicle? Does giving a free ride to a new driver at all hinder responsibility? From my part-time job in high school (10-15 hours a week), I earned and paid some of the car expenses, which encouraged me to drive more safely and mindfully. What do you think?”

In general, I think earned freedom in which one has invested effort often tends to be treated more responsibly by the teenager than what is simply given. So, consider the possible power of earning in adolescent life, and the complexity it poses for parents.

Given and earned

“What to freely give your teenager and what must be earned?” can be a vexing parenting question. The extremes will not do. If everything of positive value for the child must be earned, then there is no trust in basic givens to depend upon. “I have to constantly deserve their love.” However, if everything of positive value is automatically provided, then what need is there to make any earning effort? “Whatever I want is simply given.”

Both what is given and what is earned matter. So the common parental message is a mix: “You can always count on our love and support, but you do have to earn your freedom and responsibility.” Parenting demands both unconditional and conditional giving.

The two must not be confused. “If you loved me, you’d let me go!” “If you refuse what I want, you don’t love me!” No. Love does not obligate permission any more than the refusal of permission denies love.

What parents freely give are things like devotion, interest, and support: “We will always love the person you are.” What parents may insist on being earned are trust, freedom, and responsibility: “We must judge your behavior to decide on growing freedoms that you want.” The human being is steadfastly accepted, but human doing is subject to constant oversight.

Earning exchanges

Healthy adolescent growth keeps pushing for more self-management authority. To honor this push, parents are usually insistent on basic earning exchanges, some of which might be:

• When you give honesty, you earn trust.
• When you work hard, you earn opportunity.
• When you speak calmly, you earn listening.
• When you do as asked, you earn appreciation.
• When you own mistakes, you earn understanding.
• When you demonstrate responsibility, you earn freedom.

Age increases earning

Growing up is not meant to be free of charge. Whether at home or school, as you grow older you must increasingly "earn your way," a reality that becomes more pressing when adolescence ends and young adulthood begins. Thus at the extreme ends of growth, while the dependent infant may feel spoiled because so much is given and so little earned, the last-stage adolescent may feel sobered because much less is given and so much more must be earned.

While the infant was helpless to caretake themselves, to finally achieve functional independence, the growing adolescent must increasingly learn to govern and provide for themselves. They do this by working to earn capacity, opportunity, respect, advancement, reputation, and money, for example. So parenting is partly about preparing the young person to earn her or his way, as is formal education.

Children learn about earning in school. In academics, they have to work to earn grades. In athletics, they have to work to earn playing time. In class, children learn that their behavior partly earns the treatment from the teacher they receive. The educational system rewards earning.

Powers of earning

Thus, part of parenting is the management of earning. How can earning matter? Consider a few possible ways:

• Earning is working for what is wanted.
• Earning empowers independence.
• Earning builds confidence.
• Earning engenders pride.
• Earning pursues self-interest.
• Earning is acting older.
• Earning is making money.
• Earning shows initiative.
• Earning confers worth.
• Earning creates opportunity.
• Earning pursues goals.
• Earning buys ownership.

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In all these ways and others, earning is a powerful effort for an adolescent to make. While family transactions are acceptance-based on unconditional love, transactions in the social world are mostly earning-based and conditional. So while it is important for a teenager to feel beloved, it’s also important that she or he knows how to earn their way.

Maybe the teenage driver paying some family car expenses is not such a bad idea.