Love Is a Great Mystery

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Lovers are those for whom no minute is like any other, people between whom nothing habitual takes place, just what is new, unprecedented, unexpected. In such connections there exists an almost unbearable happiness. When we understand our lives correctly, we can slowly grow into such happiness by preparing ourselves for it. When we love, we must not forget that we are beginners, bunglers of life, apprentices in love. We must learn love and that takes calm, patience, and composure. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Rilke reminds us “We must learn love.” These may seem like strange words coming from a poet known for his mystical writings. And yet for those who have traversed the territory to which Rilke refers, his words serve as striking reminders of the inner qualities required of those of us who have committed to this path of the heart.

It is a great mystery that a process as natural as loving should be as difficult as it so frequently can be. It seems that more often than not, the art of learning to love well is one of the most demanding challenges that we ever take on in our lives.

Many people, having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to develop sustained, loving relationships, conclude that they’re not up for what it takes. They may believe they’re not the type to settle down with one person. They choose instead to forego their dream rather than risk the prospect of continued pain, frustration, and disappointment.

Why is it that loving relationships can be so difficult for us to create and sustain? Is it true that there are very few good candidates out there who are able to relate authentically? Is it possible for us to unlearn defensive patterns that served us in childhood but now cause us to feel frustration and isolation?

These and many other complex questions arise once we make the decision to embark upon the path of love. The further along we find ourselves, the more formidable are the concerns we meet. Many people believe that the opposite should be true, that the deeper the connection that we develop, the easier it should be. And if it’s not getting easier, it’s because something is wrong; wrong with them, wrong with me, or wrong with us.

Not necessarily. Deep relatedness can bring out the worst as well as the best in us: our deepest fears and greatest hopes, selflessness as well as our possessiveness, kindness, and insensitivity, and generosity and self-centeredness. In working consciously with these emotions and impulses, we find ourselves feeling more trusting of each other and gradually begin to let down the defenses that shield us from emotional distress.

Great love, great sex, and great intimacy are the hallmarks of great relationships. Great relationships are a by-product of living life in a way that supports the fulfillment of that intention. Getting clear about the kind of relationship that we want, and the kind of person that we want to share that relationship with, are important steps in the realization of our dreams. The most important aspect of creating the kind of relationship that our heart desires has less to do with finding the person of our dreams than being the person of our dreams. It’s about who we become in the process.

When we identify the qualities that we seek to strengthen within ourselves, the likelihood of attracting the right person increases dramatically. Being a great lover has less to do with technique than with our quality of being. As we cultivate qualities like presence, generosity, compassion, commitment, and trustworthiness, and integrate practices that embody those qualities in our lives, our relationships will naturally become enhanced.

There is truly no limit to what is possible when two people are partnered in an agreement to support each other in the quest to discover all that is possible on this journey. Yes, it does take effort, time, and energy, but as anyone who has stayed on the path for a while will tell you, the result is worth every ounce of energy that it takes to do the work, and much more. More, even, than you can imagine. So, what are you waiting for?