How to Ask for What You Want

Source: Mart Production/Pexels

"We're not exchanging presents this year, right?"

Amy’s husband asked this question a few days before Christmas. At the beginning of their relationship, Amy had agreed not to exchange gifts because money was tight, but over the years, as they had more disposable income, she became resentful. For one thing, as she shopped for other Christmas gifts, she would invariably see something her husband would love and pick it up for him. She would tell herself that she loved giving gifts—receiving them just wasn’t important to her.

Amy’s teenage children seemed to have taken a cue from their father and made no effort to buy gifts to give—they were perfectly comfortable just receiving them. Every Christmas morning, after Amy had spent weeks shopping and preparing for a lovely holiday, she’d watch as everyone else opened their gifts, bought and wrapped by Amy, and she’d feel punched in the gut as she sat empty-handed.

After Christmas, Amy would slide into a funk that lasted several weeks. She told everyone it was just post-holiday blues, but she knew it was more than that.

Now here they were again, December 21, and he was asking the same question. Initially, Amy had responded as usual, saying, "That's fine." But it wasn’t fine.

In therapy, I asked Amy why she didn’t tell her family how hurt she was that they didn’t buy gifts.

“It feels embarrassing to care about gifts as an adult,” Amy replied.

“What does it mean to you that they don’t buy you gifts?” I asked.

“I feel like they don’t give me a thought. Like I’m invisible.”

“Maybe you could share that with them.”

“I’m also just mad. I shouldn’t have to ask. Literally, any gift, just something to open, would make me so happy. It should be embarrassing to them that I sit there empty-handed. I have spoiled kids and this clueless husband.”

Amy took a long pause. Her voice changed from bitter to ashamed. "Then I get mad at myself. I have obviously created this situation. If I’d spoken up years ago, this wouldn’t be happening now. My husband is a really good guy, he’s just a terrible gift-giver. Who cares? And my kids are terrific. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. What is wrong with me?’

Amy’s inner dialogue probably sounds familiar to many of us. One part of us feels upset and wants to change the status quo. But then another part of us, reluctant to rock the boat, rushes in to talk us out of taking any action, minimize our feelings about a situation, and insist that everything is fine. Finally, a third part insists that this is all our fault anyways, so we should just shut up and take our medicine.

I worked with Amy to help her speak up to her family. She called a family meeting to talk about expectations for the coming holiday. In addition to getting more help with the cooking and general preparations, Amy said that she had been hurt in the past when she hadn’t received any presents when she put so much effort into buying presents for them. To the kids, she said, “You are old enough to reciprocate some of what I do for you. I try to be generous and considerate of you, and I would like the same in return.” To her husband, Amy said, “I love gifts. I know that you don’t care either way, but going forward, I’d like a gift from you at Christmas.”

Why You Need to Ask for What You Want

In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate how you are going to participate in these relationships.

I often hear, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, comments like, “But he should know what I want," or, "I don't want to have to tell her every single thing." This mindset, common as it may be, leads to years of resentment and unhappiness that can easily be avoided by being honest, ahead of time, about what you want.

For Amy, the problem was solved. From that meeting forward, Amy had presents on Christmas morning, just like everybody else. She also felt like this new behavior bled into more consideration of her in general, especially from her kids. “I feel like they are seeing me as a whole person not, not just someone who is there to cater to them.” The outcome was even better than she expected.

Relationships Essential Reads

Don't Be Someone's Second Potato

Does It Matter if Your Partner Speaks Your Love Language?

Here are three steps for asking for what you want:

1. Set the stage.

Make sure you have the other person’s full attention. Asking for what you want in passing might feel less daunting, but if you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.

2. Be clear, direct, and concise.

Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. Don’t radiate unhappiness and hope those around you figure out why. Just tell them.

3. Show appreciation.

Nothing reinforces positive change like gratitude.

Should Amy's husband, after 25 years of marriage, have known gifts were meaningful to his wife? Should he have wanted to show his love and appreciation in this way without being asked? And now that they were teenagers, shouldn’t Amy’s kids have taken the initiative and ensured their mom felt appreciated on Christmas day? Probably, but the pattern wasn't changing until Amy stepped up and changed it.