Verified by 
Many of us coming out of marriage are both excited and appalled by the notion of online dating. On the one hand—unlimited options! On the other hand, we may feel a niggling discomfort when going out with a person totally unconnected to our social or vocational circle. And also, why aren’t we meeting more people naturally? Why do we need to look online?
The bigger question for many of us: does it really work?
Social psychologists Eli Finkle and Paul Eastwick offer some answers. They led a recent study on online dating, looking at whether meeting people through a dating site is fundamentally different than flirting with strangers at bars, for example, or meeting people through work or at the tennis club. Does uploading your most flattering photos and a polished, aspirational description of yourself clue a potential mate to your ultimate compatibility and vice-versa?
The answers? Yes and no.
As the researchers note, the Internet has fundamentally altered the process of meeting. This is true even for older adults who may be divorcing after decades of marriage. While we know that technology plays a huge part in the lives of kids and twenty-somethings, Finkel and Eastwick found that online dating is “especially prevalent” among older people who aren’t meeting potential dates in person for a variety of reasons—such as being super busy at work or as a single parent, having recently relocated or divorced.
The fact that the Internet generates dates for the romantically isolated doesn’t mean those evenings necessarily will go well. As this study and others show, we can’t always predict compatibility from an online profile. Nor do we know which characteristics will appeal to us in person. For some, the very fact of an endless supply of potential partners makes it hard to settle on just one. For others, extensive emailing and texting may lead to unrealistic expectations; that Cyrano of cyberspace may be a dud in real life. “Chemistry,” that catch-all term for the elusive nature of attraction, is nearly impossible to gauge onscreen.
Or, as Finkel and Eastwick write, “What people say they are attracted to imperfectly represents what they are actually attracted to, and what attracts people to a written profile differs from what attracts them to an individual in person.”
The big takeaway? The Internet is a huge boon in terms of finding a person to go out with on a Saturday night, but it can't guarantee you'll want to see him again on Sunday.
Still, a lack of a love connection does not equal a total waste of time. Despite my own fear and loathing of online dating, I’ve actually found it a positive experience—in terms of generally expanding who I know.
I recently had coffee in Los Angeles with a singer/songwriter I’d met on OKCupid in New Jersey three years earlier. He was in town for work, and while we hadn’t clicked as a couple, we’d had many similar interests and much to talk about. I was glad for the visit. I’m still new to Los Angeles, and his dropping by was a welcome shot of society in my week.
Many of us are seeking new friends after divorce, too, not just romance. Even a near-miss can be a good reminder that there are many other people out there, and we never know who or how we might meet.
