The Importance of Rope-Dropping When Kids Are "Difficult"

When I was a boy, I loved to toss rocks into the large reservoir down the street from my house. Sometimes I skipped them on the surface, but if the thin pieces of rock were unavailable, I opted for the big chunky ones that would make the biggest "kerr-plunk!"

I remember standing and watching the water ripple out from the point of impact into the distance. Such rippling is what I believe we're all hoping for as therapists and parents. We hope for a positive impact that will carry forward in the lives of our clients and kids, and that will have a momentum into the lives of others we may never meet.

Researchers Nicholas Christakis, James Fowler and others have documented the "contagion" that can happen in peoples' moods and behavior within their social networks. Simply by being in relationship with others, by being associated, peoples' likelihood for experiencing certain significant mood states (such as loneliness and depression), as well as certain problem behaviors (such as smoking and overeating) increases dramatically. Moods and behaviors seem "contagious" - they can "ripple out" among people.

The current thinking is that, because of our basic social natures, we are constantly (and automatically) processing emotional information about people we encounter. We observe each other's facial expressions, gestures, tone and emotional tendencies, and without intending to, we find ourselves subtly mimicking one another, sparking emotion and behavior in one another.

While much research on mood contagion remains to be done, what is known begs a question of parents: Assuming we, as social animals, can "ripple out" and be contagious to one another with emotions, how do we want our emotions and behavior to impact our children? How are theirs infecting us? What sort of "infectious agent" do you want to be for your kids? What specific emotions, and what sort of perspective, do you hope to spread to children? What obstacles get in the way of you toss such "rocks" into the water that will ripple out to them?

We are contagious to our children (and they to us) whether we intend it or not. Our brains are "wired" for social connection. The problem is that, because of our learning, and the limitations of cognitive perspective, we often get locked into unhelpful patterns (remember that time when you lost your temper? Or angrily said "because I told you so"). We play pointless games of "tug-of-war" instead of getting down in the dirt with our children, allowing the smudges and stains of their experience, and acknowledging our own. We miss opportunities to actively coach our kids in how to manage emotion effectively. What is more important in these "rope-yanking" moments - being right, or being regarded as a mentor?

Caregivers (clinicians like me and parents alike) need to step out of reaction, and cultivate proactive responses that will have a likely significant positive influence on the helping relationship. You're probably little different than me - you hope to toss rocks into the water that will ripple out in a positive way. You can't do so if you're wasting time yanking at ropes along the water's edge.