The Art of Saying "No"

Erin struggled to say “no” to people whenever they asked things of her, both in the workplace and her personal life. She always took on more than she could handle and she was stretched thin. This left her feeling exhausted, unappreciated, and taken advantage of, although she didn’t know how to stop saying “yes” to any invitation or request. She felt like she was a pushover and a doormat for others.

Yes People

Many people feel obligated to say yes to all requests made of them, from social activities to workplace demands. It just seems easier than having to say no, which can make them feel guilty or that they’ve let someone else down. They might fear that declining or refusing a request will upset, offend, or even anger their friends, family, and peers. They also want to be helpful, likable, and to please others. Saying yes to everything is a people-pleasing behavior. Unfortunately, it’s a never-ending cycle of trying to make other people happy at the expense of one's own happiness.

Some people feel they have no choice in the matter. Studies show that women have a difficult time declining professional requests made by bosses, supervisors, and others. Women don’t say no professionally as much as men do, fearing consequences for their jobs and careers if they refuse. In the workplace, people fear that if they say no, they'll lose an opportunity to someone else who will say yes.

Being a “yes person” can have negative consequences for one’s mental, emotional, and physical health. Overextending oneself leaves a person feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and even used. It robs the person of their time and energy and causes stress and anxiety. Furthermore, saying yes all of the time can show a weakness in our ability to set boundaries with others. It can also take away their respect for us, making them see us as easy to influence and abuse. Just as in Erin’s case, being a yes person can make us a doormat for others.

Strategies for Saying “No.”

Saying no isn’t always negative. It can be a healthy thing. Declining the tasks we can’t simply take on is an exercise in self-care. It’s about respecting our own time, energy, and personal limits, and being respected in return. It’s also about reducing stress and learning how to set boundaries. Having said that, saying no isn’t easy for some people to do. It can be a skill that requires courage and practice. For these people, a “soft no” can be a good start. This involves providing an explanation, without being overly apologetic. For instance, “Thank you so much for asking me to work on this project. It sounds really interesting, but I just don’t have the bandwidth to do this right now."

A “hard no” is firm, clear, and concise. For instance, “No, thank you,” or “Thank you, but I’m not available this week.”

Saying no gets easier the more we do it.

Learning to say no doesn’t mean we can’t ever say yes. However, we should only accept requests that align with our personal values, that make us feel good, and for which we truly have the time and energy. We should try to be intentional when saying yes. We shouldn’t just jump in with a response either way, but pause before answering to resist the urge to people-please. Taking extra time out to think about our reply allows us to examine our decision-making processes.

It’s Okay to Say “No.”

Perhaps we worry unnecessarily about saying no to other people. A recent study showed that the negative ramifications of declining invitations and requests are less than we think. Furthermore, we tend to overestimate how others will react to our refusals, especially in social situations.

Of course, having difficulty saying no isn’t a mental illness. If it’s a chronic concern, however, it might be a sign of something deeper. This behavior can reveal low self-esteem and also underlie conditions such as anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and dependent or borderline personality disorders. In these cases, seeking therapy can allow the person to deal with any underlying issues, help them to build better relationships, and also set healthy boundaries.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.