Does Playing Hard to Get Work?

When Chris asked Hope out on a date, she was thrilled because she really liked him, but to the surprise of her friends, she turned him down. She wanted to play hard to get.

“Playing hard to get” is when someone pretends that they’re less interested in a potential mate than they really are in order to encourage them to be more interested, especially in the courtship phase of a romantic relationship. Common tactics of this dating strategy include acting aloof and unavailable to the intended person, avoiding their calls and texts, appearing disinterested, and even flirting with or dating someone else. In some ways, it’s related to the saying, “Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.” These tricks are intended to motivate the suitor to chase after them and work harder for their attention. Playing hard to get is believed to be an effective way to attract a mate. It’s an old staple of advice columns, well-meaning friends, and it’s a well-worn trope in popular culture. But does this classic dating technique really work?

The psychology behind playing hard to get

For a dating strategy that seems straight out of a romantic comedy, there’s actually a substantial body of research on the topic of playing hard to get. Some studies suggest that showing less interest could lead a potential suitor to desire someone more and put in more effort to woo them. As the theory goes, their uncertainty about romantic interest may lead them to think about this person more and then to pursue them more ardently. In some cases, playing hard to get can spark interest, creating a sense of intrigue and excitement. People are inclined to want what they can’t have. Those in pursuit may also relish the challenge and enjoy the thrill of the chase and catch.

As for the pursued, by making themselves unattainable, they may increase their perceived desirability and worth. This might be done to appear confident and not needy. Its purpose may be to “test” a potential partner’s willingness to commit. In their defense, those who play hard to get may have genuine intentions, for example, they don’t want to be seen as too desperate or “easy-to-get.” Some people might do it as a means of self-protection so the pursuer is less likely to take advantage of them, while others may do it to avoid dependence or closeness. Playing hard to get may be underpinned by avoidance anxiety or fear of intimacy, a type of anxiety about developing close emotional or physical connections with other people.

When playing hard to get goes wrong

While there’s some research that suggests playing hard to get actually works, there is also research that suggests the opposite. A number of studies reveal that people are less interested in those who come across as standoffish and rebuff their advances than those who are receptive to their advances. In psychology, the “norm of reciprocity” refers to the tendency people have to like those who like them. Therefore, showing interest often receives more effort in return. Playing hard to get may be a risky strategy because it can also backfire. It could result in people thinking we don’t like them, which may lead them to dislike us in return. It can be a delicate balance; by pretending not to be interested we might truly appear to not be interested, which may push the pursuer away. Feeling confused or rejected, they might give up and move on. Playing hard to get can lead to misunderstandings and ultimately result in a missed connection. In addition to these issues, research shows that playing hard to get can attract people who aren’t into commitment and so it may not be a successful long-term dating strategy.

Whether it works or not aside, the fact is that playing hard to get is not always conducive to good mental health and happiness. It can be a deceptive and manipulative tactic and a trait of a toxic relationship. Playing hard to get toys with people’s emotions. It’s playing a game, and a game that isn’t always fun for both parties. As we can see, playing hard to get isn’t invariably effective and can even be counterproductive. It’s better to have open communication and emotional availability in our relationships. In the end, it is healthier to be honest about what we want and to just go for it.