When Phones Get in the Way of Connection

Source: Valerii Honcharuk / Canva

Adults love lamenting that groups of teens would rather be on their phones than with each other. The ubiquitous scenes of groups of young people hunched over their devices provide plenty of fodder for a “kids these days” reaction to tech’s magnetism.

Yet data show that teens and adults alike struggle to prioritize the personal interactions in front of us over the tempting allure of our phones. A national survey revealed that 89 percent of adult cell phone owners used their phones during their most recent social interactions.

It is increasingly the norm to shift attention frequently between the people in front of us and the devices in our hands.

So how does this actually impact our relationships, both parent-child and teen-teen?

Technoference Is Real

Research is pretty clear that technoference (using technology to withdraw from interaction) is associated with lower relationship quality.

When it comes to parents and kids, parental “absorption” in devices does predict less conversation, a higher likelihood of either externalizing behaviors in kids (tantrums etc…) or internalizing behaviors (withdrawal), and higher parental hostility. Not great news.

Similarly, one study of young adults showed lower relationship quality and increased loneliness when they perceived themselves as distracted by their phones or when they perceived their friends’ phone use as dismissive. More bad news.

So when we see a parent on their phone or a group of teens all hunched over their phones, we usually assume that technoference is at play. It's also easy to conclude that there must be a fairly straightforward equation when it comes to phones and connection: Relationships + Phones = Decline in relationship quality.

It Isn’t Always That Simple

But does the presence of a phone during our interactions inevitably cause technoference?

In real life, we turn to phones sometimes as a way to take a much-needed break from parenting demands. It also could be that kids' challenging behaviors prompt parents to reach for their phones more often (rather than the other way around). Plus, phones can be an important source of support, information, and problem solving that can ultimately strengthen relationships. Finally, we know that “co-viewing” media with kids and teens is a positive form of parental mediation.

For young people, it turns out that the picture is equally as complicated. Research with young adults indicates that the level of what we call “digital social multitasking” alone is not directly associated with lower relationship quality. Instead, the association hinges on the negative perception of those behaviors—and positive perceptions are actually common among young people.

Before we release our teens to their friends and phones with reckless abandon, though, we should note that at least one study indicates that younger adolescents appear more likely to perceive their own distraction in a negative light. This makes sense: The skills of impulse control and emotional management are still under construction in early adolescence. Interestingly, though, the same study found that adolescents generally perceived their friends’ digital social multitasking positively.

Let’s consider a couple of scenarios:

• Scenario 1: Two friends are hanging out. One young person is sharing a vulnerable experience about their day. Their friend is only half-listening, responding to unrelated texts from friends.
• Scenario 2: Two friends are hanging out. One young person is sharing a vulnerable experience about their day and asks for support. Their friend pulls out their phone to look for a resource that they think might be helpful, or a meme that they think might cheer them up.

Even without a lot of detail, it seems clear that most young people would feel dismissed by the digital social multitasking in the first scenario. The second scenario, on the other hand, may actually strengthen both friends’ feelings of engagement and connection.

Whether or not digital social multitasking is perceived as negative or positive depends upon a feeling of mutual agreement about the goals of the interaction. Being on the same page about digital social multitasking colors our perception of it.

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With all of this in mind, perhaps the more accurate equation to illustrate friendships and phones should read: Relationships + Phones = It Depends

We should take very seriously the allure of distracting technology and the real, negative consequences of “technoference” in our relationships. But lecturing teens that phones inevitably ruin all relationships or that hanging out with phones is “not real connection” is likely to backfire. That’s why Chia-chen Yang, who studies the psychosocial development of young people in the digital age, suggests that all of us would benefit from avoiding the lectures and stressing the relationship skills we need to make healthy decisions about device use in the context of connection.

She suggests that we focus on the following:

• Self-Awareness. We can practice monitoring the impacts of our digital social multitasking. As adults, we can narrate what we see in our own behaviors and also ask kids for feedback.
• Communication. We can practice talking openly and honestly about our expectations for tech in relationships in different times and contexts.

I would add at least one more skill to Yang’s suggestions:

• Critical digital literacy. Learning about the digital attributes and business models that make our devices so alluring helps us better understand what we are up against. Building self-awareness is essential, but putting our relationship goals into practice is a heavy lift given the persuasive design features baked into our devices.

Phones or No Phones, Are We Turning Toward Each Other?

So often, studies about technology are less about tech and more about what it means to be human.

In our haste to address our concerns about connection, we shouldn’t focus solely on the absence or presence of phones. We should also build the reflective and relational skills we desperately need to strengthen our relationships. And we should consistently ask the most important question of all: Are our devices pulling us toward each other or away from each other?