The 3 Key Things That Happy People Grasp

I often ask people if they are happy. The answers vary, but the most consistent one is, “I would be happy if...” as if waiting for the perfect set of circumstances might be the key. Knowing how to be happy is a skill. As with any skill, there are behaviors that are necessary to actualizing happiness. In my work as a therapist, I have found that there are three particular learnable behaviors that might help in developing the skill.

1. The willingness to accept that joy and sadness coexist

Happy people seem to understand that joy and sadness oftentimes coexist. Part of living is the fact that none of us are immune to experiencing sad, awful things. Yet, during some of our darkest times, good things happen, too. As a savvy priest friend once put it while speaking about unimaginable tragedy, joy and sorrow coexist. And for happiness to exist, there needs to be an inherent willingness to accept that joy and sorrow can coexist. Life is a constant blending of the two—difficult days and periods when awful things are happening juxtaposed with cool moments, surprisingly happy moments.

It’s the ability to appreciate that what might be happening in your life might be hard, yet you can still marvel at the little things that are undeniably good. These are those amazing moments when a friend came through when you really needed them, or something made you laugh so hard in a way you haven’t laughed in a long time, or the song that you happened to hear that you had forgotten how much you loved, or the way the sun just happened to come through the window, and as a result, things in the room seemed to sparkle in an unexpected way. It might be a connection with a higher power during moments of despair and not feeling alone in an unexplainable way. You need to be on the lookout for these. Happy people manage to find these happy moments and can acknowledge that they do happen even during awful times. Happy people accept that happy moments can coexist with sadness.

2. Not comparing themselves to anyone or anything

People who are happy seem not to compare themselves to anyone or anything. Happy people seem to understand that there is nothing to be gained by comparing themselves to others. There are always people who seem to be living what appears to be charmed lives, so to speak, and others who are living in difficult, oppressive situations. Do we really believe that charmed lives mean happy lives or that oppressive situations mean that people are unhappy?

The behavior of comparing yourself to others or to external factors makes it impossible to be happy in your present circumstances, however glum or amazing it might actually be. Chasing after that one thing that might lead to happiness is part of an endless cycle of needing or wanting more, regardless of whether it might be good or beneficial to your life. It reinforces the habit of “nothing being good enough” and “what others have will always be better.” Happiness never thrives in that personal “wanting more and more” climate, and happy people seem to be okay with where they are.

3. The ability to get excited about little things

Sometimes, the happiest moments are those unexpected moments of awe. When we are able to experience a “wow,” happiness seems to follow. We all, at times, take a lot for granted. While I was editing this article, there was a power outage in my home. No lights, no internet, no air conditioning—definitely cause for annoyance. But also an opportunity to acknowledge how really great it is that things like power and light and internet are so taken for granted. Yes, it’s the "getting excited about the little things" that contribute to happiness. And I did get happy when the internet and light and air conditioning came back on. You can learn how to get excited about little things by practicing mindfulness and being hyper-focused on the present moment. It’s the skill of acknowledging that there is a lot of good stuff happening all the time, if you take the time to look.

Years ago, when I lived in Manhattan, I used to park my car a block away from where I lived. Every morning, I’d rush out of my apartment and drive to work, always almost late. At one point, for an entire week, I kept finding flat tires on my car. That meant having to have the car towed, which made me really late for work, and also meant I had to buy new tires since my tires were apparently slashed. The next day, two flats (true story), the next day, another flat, the next day, the same. This happened for a week. I was beside myself, not happy for sure. I did figure out not to not park where I had been parking, where I learned that someone was known to vandalize tires if you parked in that particular area. (Manhattan street parking issues.)

When, finally, there were no more flat tires—no towing, no lateness, no tire replacement, no morning drama—I experienced pure joy and happiness. For months afterwards, a day without a slashed tire was a great one and I was happy. It's a long story to make the point that what we assign as joy and happiness is just that.