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Relationships
Is There Anything to Learn from Celebrity Relationships?
When private problems go public
Posted November 22, 2021 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Meeting the family of your significant other can be tricky, and getting to know them and form your own relationships with them can be even more complicated. There are two family units coming together with their own traditions and ways of interacting.
If you are lucky it can go smoothly; if you aren’t, it can be tumultuous. Or it can be anything in between. It doesn’t matter whther you are dating or you are married: Getting to know your partner’s family can be intense.
Recently celebrities Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik were in the news because it was reported that Malik had an altercation with Hadid's mother, Yolanda. According to a tweet Malik posted, Hadid's mother entered their home while Hadid was away, and he implied that whatever happened was in reaction to that. He said he did not contest the claims because he wanted to protect his daughter from being in the public eye even more than she has been already.
So what went wrong? A friend of Hadid’s told People that, “Yolanda is, of course, very protective of Gigi. She wants the best for her daughter and grandchild. She has had some issues with Zayn. She thinks he could treat Gigi better. This is creating conflicts between Yolanda and Zayn."
According to press reports, the couple has since parted ways. That is an extreme situation, but conflict is not unusual in such situations and power struggles can ensue.
Maybe your girlfriend’s mother doesn’t like how you are treating her daughter; maybe she thinks her daughter does way more than her share around the house. Or maybe your mother-in-law doesn’t approve of your choice to breastfeed or not to breastfeed her first grandchild. How do you handle such situations? How can you put boundaries in place to protect yourselves and keep such disputes to a minimum?
If you are dealing with the parent who has a strong opinion, you might be encountering a situation of “Mother knows best” in which your mother or your partner’s mother is used to loudly and immediately sharing her comments and advice. That may have worked when it was just you, but now that a partner is in the mix, that doesn’t work as well. If, for example, a parent has feelings about some of the choices you have made with your significant other—such as where you live or what job each of you has—clashes of opinion may follow, especially when opinion comes off as a criticism, or when it is not asked for and is unwelcome.
Conflict can become even more heightened when there are grandchildren. Grandparents often think they know best, being older, presumably wiser, and having raised their own kids. They might step in heavy-handedly with advice about anything from what you are feeding your baby to when and how you plan to potty train. Such intrusions can quickly get out of control and set off a power struggle.
No matter which parent is inserting advice, it sets off in their adult child a conflict of allegiance— to parent or to partner? This is particularly the case if the partner resents the input and feels their views are not being considered.
If you find yourself in such a situation and it is your parent pushing a strong opinion, you can unburden the situation by telling them two things. One, now that your primary allegiance is to your life partner, it is necessary to first ask whether you are open to hearing their thoughts. If you and/or your partner do not want any input, let them know that. You can also let them know that when you want advice you will ask them for it.
You can also tell your parent to share with you first, and if you feel it is important, you will pass it on to your partner. And if you don’t think it is information you need, you will just have to agree to disagree. If you are the parent and want to be helpful, it is essential to respect your child's partner, even if you don’t like them, and to always checking first with them whether they are open to receiving advice—and by accepting the answer if it is no.
Another factor to consider is what access your family and your partner’s family has to your home. Do they have a key? Can they drop by unannounced? Even if you once had an open-door policy, that may not be suitable with your partner.
In the case of Hadid and Malik, it appears that Hadid's mother just showed up while her daughter was away working. Of course, we don’t know the details of their general arrangements, but it appears he wanted her to leave.
If your parents or your partner's parents come and go from your home at will and that makes either of you uncomfortable, it is time to set boundaries—by telling both sets of parents that they need an invitation before visiting, or, at the very least, they must let everyone know well in advance an intention to visit, make sure your partner knows and is open to it.
The goal is to avoid a power struggle between your partner and your parent(s), which inevitably leads to anger. Too often, the only response is to lock the parent out to keep peace at home.
Setting boundaries averts shutting down the relationship, obviates debate about whose opinion matters most, and who is right.
