The Manipulative Narcissist

At the heart of narcissism is an inflated sense of self-worth accompanied by a deep thirst for, and fantasies of, the admiration of others. Accordingly, narcissists view relationships mainly as opportunities for self-enhancement, surrounding themselves with potential admirers while avoiding or rejecting those perceived as critical or unappreciative. The process of charming, recruiting and retaining the approving attention of other people is an unending endeavor for the narcissist, requiring considerable energy and effort.

If you find yourself in a narcissist’s orbit, it is helpful to be aware of their favorite manipulative techniques. Most of us assume that relationships are reciprocal; that people form relationships based on mutual interests and genuine care. Narcissists turn this naivete against you by presenting themselves, at least initially, as attentive and interested in your needs. Over time, efforts to manipulate your feelings and behavior escalate but may be difficult to identify because the essence of manipulation is deceit.

In his famous work The Prince, posthumously published in 1532, philosopher and author Niccolò Machiavelli outlined the practical uses of force, deception, insincere flattery and other unscrupulous means by which rulers exercised political power. His observations on the dark sides of human nature, along with strategies to exploit others, remain relevant today. The term “Machiavellianism” was coined by personality psychologists to apply to the cunning, often subtle techniques employed by narcissists (as well as psychopaths — people who callously defy social norms) to control others while elevating their own status, power or reputations. The following are some common manipulative tactics used by narcissists:

The Blame Is on You

Shame is anathema to narcissists. The shame emotion is a familiar, unpleasant feeling marked by a global, deflating, sense of being deficient weak, or bad. Blaming can be seen as a means of assigning responsibility for what is “wrong.” In their battle to keep a sense of shame at arm’s length, narcissists are preoccupied with externalizing blame.

Narcissists will require that you accept and affirm their self-elevating narratives about what happened in any instance, who did what to whom, and who is to blame for any misfortune. Inevitably, the narcissist will blame others for their own actions or shortcomings, putting you in the role of passive cheerleader. Worse, you will gradually find yourself included among the blameworthy. Trying to defend yourself from irrational accusations will backfire; your attempts at defending yourself will be seen as cruelly disloyal, triggering angry attacks.

Subtle or Overt Devaluation

The narcissist’s grandiose sense of self will require that you become accustomed to occupying an inferior role in the relationship. Patronizing treatment from the narcissist may be overt and nasty or more subtle, but the message will be that you are lacking in important qualities the narcissist claims to possess. If you fail to accept your role as a gratefully subservient satellite, you may be met with outbursts of anger or punishing silence.

Playing on Your Capacity for Guilt

Guilt is different from shame. Shame involves a focus on the global sense of self, while guilt is an emotion felt over regret at actions that have harmed another person. The narcissistic character is relatively immune to genuine guilt. The experience of true guilt requires an ability to acknowledge fault and to focus on the effects of our actions on another person. These qualities are generally lacking in the narcissist.

While narcissists do not experience true guilt, they are aware that other people do, providing yet another tool of manipulation. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, attempts to assert your own needs or values may trigger complaints or accusations calculated to play on your sense of guilt. You will be made to feel that your (very reasonable) actions are causing the narcissist terrible pain. One sign that you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is the feeling you are continuing to have contact out of a sense of guilty obligation rather than your free will.

Bullying and Invalidation

One of the most painful results of manipulation by a narcissist is a sense that your own needs, opinions, and preferences are not heard. The narcissist has difficulty seeing you as an individual separate from the compliant, admiring acolyte their fantasies require. Over time, gaslighting as well as pressures to adopt the narcissist’s worldview will take its toll on you. For example, children raised by narcissistic parents react to this chronic treatment by doubting the validity of their own experiences. As adults they may develop impaired self-esteem accompanied by angry feelings submerged under a confusing veil of guilt at imagined disloyalty.

Narcissism Essential Reads

The Secret Sex Life of Narcissists

Healthy Adult Narcissism: The Trait You Do Want

Resisting Manipulation

Patients often compare the experience of disengaging from a narcissistic relationship to that of leaving a cult. Setting and adhering to firm boundaries is the first essential task. What you ultimately decide to do will depend on the context and circumstances of your relationship with the narcissist, including the narcissist's willingness to accommodate any changes. It may be possible to negotiate boundaries or limits that preserve your integrity while maintaining some reciprocally rewarding relationship. I generally advise against entirely severing relationships with close family members if possible. You can instead limit contact while setting and observing firm limits regarding behavior and mutual expectations. Managing romantic relationships with a narcissist may require that you become involved in psychotherapy. Safety is paramount. Physical safety is a must, particularly if children are involved. Separating from a narcissistic partner may engender narcissistic rage, which can be dangerous to confront without effective support.