What Narcissists Hide

Bragging endlessly, craving attention, proudly announcing various “accomplishments,” shoehorning self-serving narratives of admiration and success into every social interaction, narcissists announce themselves flamboyantly. They are skilled at manipulation, evincing little genuine interest in other people.

On first encounter, their naked self-belief can be unsettling. We might even wonder whether this display of overblown self-assurance is merely a pose adopted to compensate for some deep impairment of self-esteem. However, research and clinical experience suggest this is not the case. Compared to normal individuals, narcissists really do have an elevated sense of self-worth, feel superior to others, and believe they are entitled to special treatment. If not a reaction to consciously felt inferiority, what explains these faces that narcissists readily reveal to others, as well as those they hide?

Guilty Versus Shame-Related Mental States

Narcissistic behavioral traits develop in the context of an especially avoidant relationship with the shame emotion. While often confused or conflated, guilt and shame are different emotions. In guilty states of mind, there is attention to actions (either in reality or fantasy) imagined to have harmed other people. There is motivation to make amends or apologize to those impacted. Normal guilt is thus tied to empathy and concern for the welfare of others.

In the shameful mind’s eye, on the other hand, focus expands to a secret, globally negative sense of the entire self rather than regret at specific actions. The shameful self feels small, deficient, inadequate, or fundamentally “bad.” We all transition in and out of various shameful, deflated mental states at times. Perhaps we encounter a more successful colleague who reveals a significant accomplishment we have not attained, or a random thought, memory, or fantasy triggers a brief deflection of self-regard. Over time, as we develop the ability to manage these mental states without becoming demoralized, traits of humility and realistic confidence can be incorporated into our personalities.

But for those who become narcissists, direct experience of shameful states of mind has become intolerable. For them, any contact with the shame emotion is avoided as the touch of a hot stove. For much of the time, narcissists function, by default, in grandiose states of mind, in which admiration and envy by others are assumed and perceived. In these states, the narcissist feels a glowing sense of self-confidence and excitement. Rather than a conscious choice, this is a way of being.

What We Don't See

Readily revealing themselves while in the midst of familiar, grandiose states of mind, narcissists tend to hide what they consider shameful signs of weakness, deficiency, or failure. Hostage to needed admiration and acknowledgment, the narcissistic personality style is vulnerable to perceived slight or disrespect at virtually every turn. Often, it may only be close friends or intimate partners who directly witness the bitter, angry mental states triggered when the narcissist feels deprived of the acknowledgment or acclaim to which he or she feels entitled. It is in these states that we see the darker side of the narcissistic defenses against shame.

Hypersensitivity to Perceived Mistreatment

Narcissists appraise and react to the world in rigidly scripted ways. The overarching goal is the embrace of self-enhancing perceptions while projecting or disavowing anything reflecting negatively on the self. Major themes in the narcissistic mind thus become identifying what is wrong or unjust, and who or what is to blame. Aspects of reality that fail to provide ego enhancement must be, by definition, wrong. At even the slightest suggestion of perceived criticism, the narcissist may become overwhelmed with rage, lashing out in paranoid fashion at “tormenters” who withhold needed affirmation. When away from direct social scrutiny, the narcissist spends considerable time brooding over episodes of alleged mistreatment. Saddled with unrealistic (inevitably thwarted) expectations of approval and admiration, narcissists I see in treatment struggle with secret feelings of emptiness and despair.

Projection of Blame

Compulsive blaming reflects the need to assess and control the locus of the “wrongness” narcissists see all around them. Externalizing blame for some unwanted outcome rids the self of shameful responsibility for the perceived defect or error. If you are in frequent contact with a narcissist, conflict is inevitable. It is likely that you will be blamed irrationally for various acts or omissions, including those actually committed by the narcissist. In the narcissistic mind, when things go wrong, it must be someone else’s fault. You will be shocked at the level of distortion in the narcissist’s accounts of what happened and why. Arguing with a narcissist is generally not fruitful: Only you can be in the wrong.

Preoccupation With Envy

For those who live in an imagined world of admiration and elevated status, envy takes on a special, obsessive role. Preoccupation with envy is one of the defining features of narcissistic personality disorder. The envious social script elevates the object envied as possessing qualities longed for or lacking in the envier. Perhaps the envied person enjoys wealth, status, or accolades that the narcissist desperately craves. Buffering this admiration, envy is accompanied by bitter resentment and devaluation. In the narcissistic mind, the disparity between the envier and envied is inherently unfair: yet another example of others reaping praise, acknowledgment, or good fortune rightly due the narcissist. If you have a narcissistic friend, you can assume that you are the object of envy. Be alert to the ways the narcissist will attempt to divert attention from your accomplishments, even trying to undermine or sabotage your success.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Healthy Adult Narcissism: The Trait You Do Want

Do Narcissists Overestimate How Much People Like Them?

Inflationary Pressures

Initial impressions can be misleading. The grandiose mental states in which we generally encounter the narcissist are only one aspect of a complex, unstable level of personality organization. Like a balloon inflated, such a psyche is prone to bursting upon contact with the sharp edges of everyday life. This happens frequently, but generally out of our sight.

As a psychologist, I am interested in what the narcissist hides from our view. In my experience, the crucible that produces narcissistic personalities generally includes one rejecting, critical, or abusive parent along with an overindulgent parent who compensates by treating the child as if he or she can do no wrong. Focusing on this developmental environment, in which the narcissist learned that contact with the shame emotion was psychologically dangerous, offers avenues for treatment. Some narcissists can benefit from tactful, carefully paced exposure to those deflating aspects of reality generally avoided in grandiose states.