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Key points
- Most people report having had at least one erotic dream.
- New research shows there is an association between who we are having erotic dreams about and our relationship status and sexual lives.
- Most erotic dreams do not involve the dreamer’s current intimate partner.
- Who we dream about sexually reflect such things as our relationship satisfaction, level of sexual desire, and frequency of sexual intercourse.
Quantitative data collection regarding whether individuals have experienced sexual dreams has been prevalent since the original studies by Kinsey in 1948 and 1953. According to several studies over the years, around 75% of women and 85% of men have reported having erotic dreams at least once in their lives.
So we know that most people have sexual dreams. Studies have also identified who these dreams have been about, whether it be one’s current intimate partner, an ex, a celebrity, or an unknown stranger created in the imagination. What has not been studied in great detail is the association between erotic dreams and relationship/sexual life measures.
Filling in this latter gap in the scholarship of sexuality was undertaken by Vaillancourt-Morel, Daspe, Lussier, and Zadra (2021). The two essential objectives in their inquiry involved (1) identifying who was the target of the erotic dreams and (2) examining the association between the target and a range of indicators concerning couple dynamics and sexual life within the dreamer’s romantic relationship.
To advance the inquiry, the team surveyed participants of a convenience sample composed of individuals who were at least 16 years of age and involved in a romantic relationship. 1,045 participants filled out the questionnaire (N = 575 women and 470 men). The questionnaire did not provide a definition for “erotic dream.” The authors acknowledge this may have had an effect on the study as the term “erotic dream” may be more reflective of the nocturnal experiences of women than the terms “sex dream” or “wet dream.”
Most participants in the current study reported experiencing erotic dreams (96.5% of women and 95.1% of men, with 18.4% of women claiming to have erotic dreams “often” or “very often,” compared to 15.8% of men in the study). Past studies have reported that around 70% of women’s erotic dreams and 90% of men’s erotic dreams involve persons other than the dreamer’s current partner.
The present study found that women (16.9%) were more likely than men (10.6%) to have their current partner included in erotic dreams.
The authors believe that the variance of sexual targets found in erotic dreams supports the idea that erotic dreams are a common outlet for sexual fantasies and reflections. The authors further note that the relatively low percentage of individuals having erotic dreams about their current partners makes extradyadic erotic dreams common or, perhaps, the norm.
Ultimately, in terms of this study, who we dream about in our erotic dreams reflects our sexual life and the state of our relationship. In cases where the target of the erotic dream was the current partner, those same respondents reported (1) higher relationship satisfaction, (2) long duration of current relationship, (3) greater level of sexual desire, (4) higher frequency of sexual intercourse with their current intimate partner, (5) and not partaking in extradyadic sexual behaviors.
Those reporting lower sexual satisfaction with their current partner and greater levels of sexual desire experienced more erotic dreams involving a stranger. In cases where respondents reported lower relationship satisfaction, shorter duration of the relationship, and engaged in extradyadic sexual behaviors, the respondents had more erotic dreams involving ex partners.
Vaillancourt-Morel, Despe, Lussier, and Zadra’s findings dispel the notion that long-term relationships generate sexual fantasies (at least in dreams) about other people. Also, the findings make direct associations between the sexual life in sleep and the sexual waking life. For instance, engaging in extradyadic sexual behaviors may produce feelings of stress or guilt, which may be incorporated into erotic dreams. The erotic dreams are a product of those waking concerns.
Erotic dreams offer more than mere nocturnal pleasure. Examination of our erotic dreams may produce greater insight into our waking behaviors, attitudes, and states of mind involving sexuality. They can also serve to recognize hidden sexual desires and needs. And don’t be afraid to share those dreams with your partner. It’s an easy way to open up a necessary (and healthy) line of communication.
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References
Vaillancourt-Morel, M., Daspe, M., Lussier, Y, & Zadra, A. (2021). Targets of erotic dreams and their associations with waking couple and sexual life. Dreaming, 31(1), 44-56.
