Porn: FAQs You Won’t See Elsewhere

Almost everyone seems to have questions (and opinions) about porn. Here are some questions—with answers—that you won’t find in other FAQs.

Why do you say the real issue is masturbation, not porn?

Virtually nobody watches porn without masturbating. These days, almost all men who masturbate watch porn while they do.

So, the real complaint of some women isn’t actually about watching porn—it’s about masturbating and watching porn. The first question in any conversation about porn should be, “If you don’t like him watching porn, are you OK with him masturbating without porn?” If the answer is no, we can stop pretending the conversation is about porn. It’s about masturbation.

One supposed proof that men get "addicted" to porn is how miserable they are when they’re deprived of it. Or how they promise they’ll stop using porn but can’t seem to keep their promise.

Here’s a simple test that demolishes those “proofs” of “porn addiction”: ask a man to give up porn but let him masturbate all he wants. That task is way less difficult. Or try this thought experiment: Give a man a choice: If you had to give up either porn or masturbation for a year, which would you give up? For practically every man, it’s a no-brainer.

Couples in conflict about sex should talk more about masturbation and less about porn.

What is the broccoli–ice cream hypothesis?

That’s the common belief that when men aren’t as intimate or sexual as their partners desire, it’s because they’re supposedly getting their needs met by masturbating to pornography. Therefore, to increase their interest in intimacy and sex, these men need to stop masturbating to porn.

I call this the broccoli–ice cream hypothesis because it’s similar to the idea that if you want someone to eat more broccoli, you should take away their ice cream. That obviously doesn’t work.

No one leaves a thriving intimate or sexual relationship just to spend a ton of time masturbating to porn. Men who aren’t intimate or sexual either aren’t interested (which their mate often denies for a long time) or just don’t know how (and taking away porn won’t teach them). Or maybe they’re angry, anxious, or depressed—none of which is fixed by removing porn from their lives.

Doesn’t a woman get to decide if her partner’s porn-watching is a betrayal?

Actual betrayal is bad. And feeling betrayed is an awful experience, whether the betrayal is real or not.

Various women across America have decided that if their guy watches porn it’s a betrayal.

A betrayal of what? Instead, I think the following would be a fairer description of many women’s experience: "You watch porn? I feel…"

• Disappointed
• Surprised
• Sad
• Confused
• Lonely
• Resentful

When someone has the belief that people only watch porn if they don’t find their sweetheart attractive, or the sex satisfying, or the relationship meaningful, I’m sympathetic: Anyone would feel terrible believing their partner feels this way. But betrayal? Of what? Of an agreement that two people never actually made?

For those who say that every adult woman gets to decide what exactly constitutes betrayal (regardless of whether it makes sense or not), I’d simply ask: What if a man decided it was a betrayal that his wife reads romance novels? Or belongs to the Taye Diggs fan club? Or slept with a lot of guys before they married? Would we say that's his problem, or hers?

If you say that women get to define betrayal but men don’t, we’re not talking about porn anymore.

What is “ethical porn”?

According to those who promote it, so-called "ethical porn" is made consensually, shows diversity, contains no surprises for the cast, and shows female pleasure. In other words, most porn.

Supporters say its production also pays performers fairly and documents real pleasure rather than acted pleasure. In other words, its standards are completely different from other performing arts.

I think it’s great when consumers want to watch porn that is made 100-percent consensually, in which performers and crew are treated well. But I wonder if this concern extends to the other artistic products they consume.

What about ethical dance companies? Dancers are dramatically underpaid, overworked, and expected to have unhealthy bodies, and often perform through pain. The same is true for college athletes—except that they’re not just underpaid; they aren’t paid at all.

What about ethical schools? There isn’t a public elementary school in this country where teachers are paid a reasonable wage, treated decently by their administration, and respected by the community that strangles them financially and politically.

What about ethical software and hardware? While engineers are NOT underpaid, I can assure you from decades of experience in Silicon Valley that they are expected to work absolutely inhuman hours. Apple, Google, Adobe, YouTube, Microsoft—I’m talking about you (as well as your lesser-known suppliers and competitors).

When people critique the alleged problematic production of porn, out of all the goods and services we all consume each year, they’re essentially saying they don’t like porn. That’s OK, but why not just say it in an honest way?

Doesn’t a woman have a right to a porn-free home?

A woman has a right to say I won’t live with you if you watch porn, the same way she has the right to say I won’t live with you if you smoke cigars or have a pet alligator.

But, unless this was explicitly discussed before they moved in together (and it rarely is), where would she get the “right” to decide this about their joint home?

America is filled with women insisting that their guy stop watching porn; he says OK, he continues to do it secretly, and he then gets caught. Now he’s not just a porn watcher (not a bad thing), he’s also a liar (a bad thing).

When women give a man an ultimatum—stop looking at porn or we’re finished—they generally don’t think “look at porn but lie and tell me you don’t” is a third option. Men shouldn’t think so, either. But just as most women don’t want to live in a home where their mate insists he has the right to tell them what they’re allowed to do, neither do most men.

You have a right to be safe from domestic violence. You have a right to expect the truth from your partner. After that, it’s all negotiable. So negotiate.

And, again, that’s not about porn. That’s about power.