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Key points
- It's important to communicate sexual needs and who one is sexually in an honest, clear, and direct way.
- People can make a list of things that are and are not working in their sex life.
- Most people have no problem “doing it,” but most of them can’t talk comfortably about sex.
- When someone tries to repress their sexual unhappiness, they turn off a powerful part of themselves.
Every therapist has known clients who want to change their lives but not themselves. For those who decide to make a change, it is almost always hard. It requires a lot of work to become a more conscious and aware human, especially for those who feel disconnected from their sexuality.
Face Yourself Fully.
There are parts of ourselves that none of us like facing. We know we need to face these parts but refuse to do so for many reasons. Sexuality is one of those parts that is often difficult for people to examine, but if you are ready and willing to do the work, here are three steps to unlocking your sexual potential:
1. Be Honest With Yourself.
The phrase “just be honest” has been repeated enough times to have become meaningless, right? Yet it remains one of the best questions, in regards to sex and to people trying to unlock their sexual potential. The best way to approach this is to look yourself in the mirror and answer this question about your sexual lifestyle to date: "So how's that working out for you so far?"
If the honest answer to this question is, "Well, not so good," then congratulations! You've already developed at least the beginnings of a functional observing ego.
Make a list of things that aren’t working in your sex life, as far as you are concerned. For example, you may be getting laid a lot, but you find that your heart isn’t in it anymore. Another example? You’re not really feeling any connection (even during sex) with your own spouse. Yikes! After that, make another list of things that are working, including things like, “I’m glad I can enjoy sexual pleasure,” or “I’ve got a great sense of humor in the bedroom.”
Spend some time on these lists and be brutally honest. Knowing what’s working and what’s not will make you a more conscious sexual being.
2. Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!
Communicate your sexual needs and who you are sexually in an honest, clear, and direct way. Most of us have no problem “doing it,” but most of us can’t talk comfortably, in an adult manner, about our emotional needs in sex, our sexual thoughts, and our fantasies about what we wish could be happening.
Talking about sex in an adult way without turning the conversation into an argument or a “Here’s what you need to start doing” session allows for a fun, exciting, and safe experience for all involved.
Pro tip: Do this outside of the bedroom when the two of you are getting along.
3. Let Go of Religious Dogma.
For some people, morality, especially sexual morality, is based on rules handed down from God above. For others, morality is a matter of reason and knowledge. This latter group generally hails from a historic period known as the Enlightenment. Generally, for Enlightenment thinkers, what is morally right is a matter of what is good for humans.
We all believe sex is good for humans and is therefore moral in and of itself. Sex is one of many human needs that are not needed to survive but are definitely needed to thrive. When you try to repress your sexual unhappiness, you turn off a powerful part of yourself. As a counselor who works with sex offenders, I have seen what happens when sexuality is repressed, and it’s not pretty. Some of my clients often say the following:
"I shouldn't masturbate because that is a sin against God. No one should."
"I shouldn't ever engage in sexual thoughts or fantasies unless they are about my lawfully wedded spouse."
"I'm upset with my daughter because I know she's having sex with her boyfriend, and I raised her better than that."
People who think this way have been served up these beliefs by some clergy (fallible humans, after all). The result of this thinking is usually lots of pain: marriages that fail, kids whose lives are a mess, misery upon misery over decades.
Are You Ready to Unlock?
By unlocking your sexual potential, you are taking ownership over your sexuality, your personal freedom, and your life itself. You are saying “enough is enough" and making intelligent decisions to create the sex life you know you deserve. This is reality. You alone can decide if you’re going to unlock your sexuality. Or you can continue to ask therapists how to change your life without ever changing yourself.
