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Do you think "safe sex" means using a condom? Making sure consent is explicit? You're right, but there's so much more. When we talk about safe sex, we generally don't consider anything but intercourse. But when we're talking about sexual needs, the need for safety appears both before and apart from intercourse. Examples?
The fourth-grader who comes home to ask Mom, "What does 'masturbation' mean?" Her answer: a stunned silence followed by an uncomfortable mumble, "You're too young to be talking like that." The fourth-grader learns not to push it.
The couple who've taken their relationship to the next level and are now sexually active when one of them asks, "What kind of sexual fantasies do you have?" The other partner looks blank for a moment before shaking their head and saying, "Well, none really. I mean, except for you."
The new girlfriend who feels compelled to answer the question, "Haven't you ever been in love before?" with a highly qualified and meaningless, "Not like I am with you."
In each of these scenarios, common in my professional experience, there is a lot of fear involved. The Mom wondering how to talk about "masturbation," the lover looking to escape disapproval, or the new applicant for a leading role in an epic love story—they're all trying so hard to look their sexual best. And they're all dealing with the discomfort that a single session of therapy (or some free self-examination for the self-aware) would reveal itself as that other F-word: fear. Put simply, the moments described are not sexually safe.
What I call "BIG Safe Sex" is a global concept of safety in every sexual context. Is it safe to talk about sexual matters? Is it safe for me to share my sexual history, including my history of broken hearts (given and received)? Is it safe for me to talk about my private thoughts, ambitions, fantasies, and behaviors in this relationship?
Our failure to address this sexual need has two results: one, a reduced capacity to share who we are, and two, a lot of lying. Neither represents a sustainable solution.
The involuntarily celibate young man (a.k.a. "incel") who wants to know how to develop a connection with someone but is afraid of asking anyone for help, so instead, he begins blaming women—he wants to feel safe even though he doesn't have the language to express how unsafe he feels. The spouse who's unable to talk about their sexual frustration because they see no safe way to do it without consequence. The child who wants accurate sexual information but is met with admonitions like "You shouldn't even be thinking about things like that" needs more from parents who still haven't figured out how to talk about how they became parents in the first place. Each of these needs requires sexual safety in order to proceed. Sure, we'll survive, but without meeting our need for sexual safety, none of us will thrive.
Our need for sexual safety comes into our lives at birth. That's right, even babies have sexual needs, and, in this case, we would all agree that babies have a need for sexual safety. This statement upsets people who sometimes come back at me with the claim, "That's not sexual. That's just a physical need for physical safety." One thought experiment should clear this up.
Imagine you have a new baby in your life and, for a few moments, you leave your baby alone with someone and that person snaps a few photos of an illicit nature. There's no physical harm whatsoever to the child but can't we all agree that the child was sexually violated? Wouldn't you feel that your baby's sexual safety had been compromised? We all would feel that way. This need, as I pointed out in my book on sexual needs (We're All Like This), is present from birth and never, ever goes away. To thrive, we will always have a need for sexual safety. The problem is, no one teaches us how to intelligently manage this need.
"Who can I talk to about sexual matters?" "Is there something wrong with me for feeling the way I feel?" "Do these thoughts make me a bad person?" "Am I the only one who likes this?" We've all had these thoughts and we've all struggled with how to find safe people to talk to. We've all struggled with how to develop safe relationships so we could talk about these matters.
How to find safe shelter in a time when sexual disapproval and scolding is at a neo-Victorian high requires a life's journey of thought and experiment and is beyond any article as short as this to completely present. But, for all of us who want to have ever more sexual safety so that we can enjoy greater amounts of intimacy and love, there is a promise I can make you.
Once you become aware of the human need for sexual safety and once you embrace it as the desire of your heart, your very able mind will take it on as a problem to be solved. Your desire for sexual safety pulses in every part of your life because our sexuality goes wherever we go—it's the most portable part of ourselves. Getting a life that is sexually safe will include your love life certainly, but also your friendships, family, and even your professional life. So-called lovers, so-called friends, and so-called mentors—all of them can and should be replaced if they cannot treat you and your stated sexual boundaries with the respect they deserve. Your need for sexual safety is a human problem, capable of human solution. Your mind will find the way once you commit to having a life where you can be free to be yourself.
