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Key points
- Some straight men recalled instances of penile stimulation as their first sexual memory.
- As boys they seldom disclosed their first erotic memory to anyone except their friends.
- Most young men enjoyed lustful occasions as boys but knew to keep them secretive from parents.
Recap
In my last post I argued straight men usually recalled romantic memories earlier than sexual memories, similar to men and women with same-sex attractions. The memories usually consisted of childhood crushes, which were frequently secretive, seldom successfully pursued, and rarely discussed with adults. They were, however, recalled with positive emotions because they frequently helped them feel “normal”—unlike many same-sex attracted men and women. In this post I explore early erotic memories of straight men.
Erotic Memories as Lust
About a quarter of the young men’s first sexual/romantic memory centered not on matters of the heart but on feelings of lust, eroticism, and/or genital contact. The young men explicitly referenced girls and women who inspired them, such as friends, cousins, teachers, and media figures like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Lopez. Similar to crushes, erotic fantasies could be recalled as emanating from an early age and were seldom shared with others, especially adults. Most recognized at the time as boys that such thoughts or feelings were inappropriate to have and would result in being punished. Thus, in nearly all cases, adults were unaware that their son, student, or client had experienced erotic situations.
The variety of potential external sexual stimuli was vast for the young men as boys. Among those I interviewed included the following:
Early maturing girls in class whose “boobs are developing.”
Catching a cheerleader changing clothes through an open door.
My father’s sex catalogues, thrown away but retrieved because “I thought they were the hottest things in the world, and I wanted to see what they were like completely naked.”
A movie scene in which a woman in a hot tub with “her breasts floating on the water.”
Reality-oriented shows where women appeared in various stages of undress as other women ripped their clothes off and they talked about sexual matters; my mother “thought I liked the show because she did.”
Most boys realized these private erotic visual images were only to be shared with best friends. Some feared punishment from parents while others were embarrassed by what they saw or imagined.
Penis Focused
First sexual memories were on occasion focused specifically on penile erections induced by self-stimulation or by accident from visual, tactile, or unknown sources. One young man remembered as a 9-year-old always waking up with erections and feeling embarrassed when his mother came in to get him up. Another boy rubbed his penis against the shower wall because his mother warned him not to touch himself. He concluded it was “just a physiological reaction that felt great. It was a new feeling, you know.”
Adults were rarely consulted by the boys to help them understand erectile sensations, including Buck whose first sexual memory was not one of clarity or exuberance, largely because of his mother’s reaction.
Buck
Buck, an ex-Marine, returned to college to increase his chances of landing a job with governmental intelligence in the Middle East. He described himself as a child who was “shy, a loner, tiny, a runt.” In fourth grade he was “beaten up by a gang of guys, and I knew them because I grew up in a small town.” Unlike other boys around him, he did not go to church, do drugs, or play sports. He was more into shooting fireworks and being nice to girls. “I didn’t mess with them and was not aggressive with them.”
I was 7 with an erection on the toilet and I can’t pee. This is all crazy! So, I tucked it under the elastic of my underwear to hide it and I was running around, and Mom saw it and said, “Oh jeez!” She immediately said to Dad something like, “Look at your son!” I was embarrassed and didn’t know what was going on or why.
A bit later, in third grade I was showering and when I stepped out, I had an erection and Mom was there putting on makeup and she said, “You shouldn’t be playing with it.” I didn’t know what she was talking about because I wasn’t playing. I was showering. What was that all about, playing with what?
Nearly all boys were reluctant to display erections or to discuss penis-type things with adults. An exception was a youth who was watching a movie with his father when a scantily clad woman appeared. He asked, “Dad, why do I keep getting an erection every time I see her?” His father laughed, ignored his son’s question, and returned to the movie. The boy never again approached his father about sexual matters. If boys learned anything from adults, it was that their penis is a private thing and any activity that involved it should not be discussed or shared with others. They would understand more about these matters later in life.
Disclosing to friends was nearly always more helpful, as one young man learned. As a child he spoke to a friend about what a “boner” was because he had heard the term on the playground. The friend explained, “You have to have boners to have sex. So I went back home to try a boner, and I’ve been getting them ever since.”
Erotic Feelings
Despite cultural mandates to ignore erotic feelings and behaviors, nearly all youths reported that as children they played with their penis and had lustful feelings and attractions. In this they were in sync with boys of all sexual persuasions. Although young boys seldom understood what erections meant or what was their function, they enjoyed the indelible impressions that were elicited and wanted to return to these stimulations—though they knew to keep their experiments secretive. Next time I will explore a unique erotic experience as a first sex memory—genital contact with a girl.
References
Savin-Williams, R.C. (2021). Bi: Bisexual, pansexual, fluid, and nonbinary youth. New York: New York University Press
