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Key points
- Many young men recall sex memories from the time of their first memories.
- They can be provoked by various situations in their natural life.
- Accidental incidences and porn may be the provoking agent.
Several years ago, I set out to fill some of the gaps in our knowledge about the sexual and romantic development of young adults. In particular, I conducted interviews with 206 young men (mean age = 20.0) across a range of sexualities.
Interviews
In my interviews, my first question set the tone for what was to come: What is your first sexual or romantic memory? It is not necessary that you knew at the time that it was sexual or romantic but later you realized its sexual or romantic content.
For some, answering the question proved quite difficult, in large part because they admitted they had never been asked this question before. Time and again it was not that they had no sexual or romantic memories but that they had never been asked or given permission to talk about such matters. In the process of responding, an even earlier memory or a flood of memories were frequently recalled. At times, the young men appeared to drift into an earlier world as their resistance fell away. Some apologized for the memory’s apparent oddity or lack of coherence. All were surprised anyone would be interested in their childish sexuality and many were slightly embarrassed by the memories.
Age of First Memories
Age of first sexual or romantic memory among the straight men I interviewed was broad, extending from first recollections as young children through being a young adolescent. What provoked the earliest ones is unknown but it is believed the onset of puberty instigates the experience of adolescent sexual and romantic attractions and feelings. In most circumstances, the first romantic memory preceded the first sexual memory by about two years, consistent with the experience of other boys across the sexual/romantic spectrum. Regardless, the first sexual/romantic memory was frequently one of the earliest memories of young men across all sexualities.
Here is an example from one young man I interviewed.
Gabriel
Gabriel, a 19-year-old white Catholic, came to the interview “cool”-looking with a baseball cap worn backward, blue jeans, orange tennis shoes (untied), and a Vancouver Island sweatshirt. Tall, athletic-looking, with thick brown hair, Gabriel was immediately engaged with a great smile. Though he had the countenance of a masculine jock, he later assured me he was more of a nerd than a jock. At age 4, he recalled having a crush on his preschool friend Sally as they chased each other around the playground. Soon, however, Sally’s family moved away but before leaving, she requested a gift from Gabriel.
We were hanging out for the last time, and she was like, “I want something to remember you by.” I was probably 4 and it was us in her room. And she took out a camera and she was like, “Pull down your pants,” and so it was a disposable camera and I pulled down my pants. And her parents walked in on her taking naked photos of me. They took the camera away.
Two years later, Gabriel experienced a sexual moment while showering.
This is very weird. I figured out that if I held my penis up to where the [shower] water came down directly underneath it, it felt good for like three seconds. … I think I knew at that point that there was a stigma about talking about that kind of stuff. I also just thought it was sort of weird.
Though the orgasm was dry and he felt shamed by Sally’s parents, Gabriel remained uninhibited, continuing and expanding his sexual pursuits through masturbation, beginning at age 10, and casual sex with girls and young women, which numbered over 30 partners at the time of the interview.
Accidents and Porn
One frequent source of sexual or romantic memories was observing sex scenes from real life or the media. As young boys, they felt a range of reactions, from hot and sexy to inappropriate and awkward. One boy was unexpectedly exposed to memorable moments of seeing parents “going at it.” Because he had frequent nightmares, he was allowed to sleep on his parents’ bedroom floor. Their sexual activities felt “strange, uncomfortable back then and I chose not to think about it since.” He knew it was inappropriate to talk about it with anyone.
Another young man recalled watching a movie as a young boy and suddenly his father fast-forwarded it through sex scenes. When left unmonitored, the boy replayed the tape and saw graphic nudity and a couple having sex. “I didn’t understand but it made me curious and excited.” Though they usually felt awkward during such situations, the young men seldom perceived them as consequential for their sexual development—though there were exceptions, as I will illustrate in my next post.
Although nearly all young men had extensive experience with porn, usually from a young age, it was seldom a source of their first sexual memory. Perhaps parents were more vigilant in cutting off this sexual avenue at a young age and thus the first sexual or romantic memory occurred earlier, preceding exposure to porn. Porn was most likely to be discovered later, during early adolescence. For example, while surfing the internet for his seventh-grade homework assignment, one boy was invited by pop-ups to visit a lovely, sexy woman on display. He felt initially cautious but was then compelled to follow instructions. “I was intrigued, yet distressed, because my parents had warned me to be careful going on the Internet, that it wasn’t safe. But I couldn’t help it!”
Next Time
These early sexual events were seldom deemed by the youths as traumatic but more as embarrassing or confusing. They were rather merely a part of their sexual landscape that they now recalled as humorous and warmhearted. The memories could be explicitly sexual, such as seeing his parents have sex, engaging in sex with a neighbor girl, or accidentally masturbating, while others were recalled as explicit romantic memories, such as obsessing over a mysterious, unattainable girl or crushing on a cute playground girl. In my next post, I will turn to the content of the early memories, specifically comparing romantic versus sexual content.
