Myths About Polyamory, and the Emerging Truth

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Sociologist Christian Klesse began their essay on polyamory by stating an essential truth: “Polyamory means different things to different people.” Traditionally, it has been defined as the practice of engaging in consensual multiple romantic and (typically) sexual relationships with a small group of people, usually three but sometimes much higher.

An Identity or an Orientation?

A more expansive definition than the above contends that regardless of whether you practice polyamory, it can also be an identity, which only you or a few others need to know about, or it can be disclosed publicly. The latter can be achieved by joining a community of similar others either online or offline. Thus, one can identify as polyamorous without necessarily being in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone or with only one other person.

More controversial is a further expansion of polyamory—defining it as an orientation that is “a hard wired, durable disposition” like a romantic or sexual orientation. Although polyamory can be both a practice and an identity, underlying both might be a polyamorous orientation—though, as best as I can determine, no research addresses this complexity. If data were to establish commonalities across polyamorous individuals in terms of characteristics known to have a biological link, such as a particular personality profile (think “openness to new experiences”) or having a high level of romantic and/or sexual desires, then polyamory would be a more coherent concept. For example, it is noteworthy that a disproportionate number of polyamorous individuals also identify as bisexual or pansexual, suggesting a beginning point to explore.

Myths Without Research

This lack of coherency is due in large part to an absence of legitimate research on polyamory published in respectable scientific journals. This deficiency of knowledge has certainly not stopped clinicians, therapists, and others from weighing in on the prevalence, characteristics, lifestyles, and morality of polyamorous individuals. For example, a head and neck surgeon asserted, “Numerous studies conducted in the United States have reported that about four to eight percent of the population are in polyamorous relationships.” Excited after reading about the existence of “numerous studies,” I discovered this professional rendering of polyamorous relationships had itself no research references—even to support the surprising finding of widespread polyamorous relationships. I remain baffled about the 4% to 8%.

Reading further led me not to scientific articles but to a considerable outpouring of “essays” regarding the moral merits, deficiencies, and practices of polyamory, such as “the seven myths of polyamorous relationships.” These treatises are once again void of scientific evidence to support their legitimacy—do they characterize polyamorous individuals?—or their frequency—how many people believe these myths? Maybe myths such as polyamorous individuals just want to have lots of sex, can’t make emotional commitments, engage in orgies, or destroy traditional marriages—are true or are these merely speculations? Is it a myth that many believe these myths? Furthermore, if true, are these necessarily bad characteristics? What is wrong with having orgies or upending traditional marriages?

Prevalence of Polyamory

I previously questioned the 4% to 8% prevalence rate of polyamorous individuals. Then I found another posting which also advocated for the widespread prevalence of “enthusiastically consenting adults deciding to enter into a polyamorous relationship.” This highly questionable statement surprised me, especially when it cited as support that “nearly a third of millennials surveyed in a 2020 YouGov poll said that their ideal relationship was non-monogamous to some degree.” Yet, these data (even if true) do not support the high prevalence assertion. Having a personal “ideal” to be in a non-monogamous relationship (think young horny males) is not the same as having an actual non-monogamous relationship. Furthermore, having a non-monogamous relationship (e.g., being in an open relationship or having serial relationships) is not the same as having a polyamorous relationship (i.e., consensual, committed relationship with two or more individuals).

More to the point, are these writers propagating misinformation? Are they substituting their own personal prejudices for factual knowledge? In their defense, they might well be limited by the nature of the beast: It is difficult to recruit a representative or even a large sample of polyamorous individuals. This might be because they are indeed rare or are in hiding due to cultural stigma regarding their romantic and sexual preferences. This dilemma plagues research in general that dares to investigate hidden populations (think “homosexuals).” One solution is to recruit individuals from “convenience populations,” such as homophile organizations for early research on gays and lesbians. A second technique is to recruit individuals from clinical settings which cater to individuals seeking professional assistance for their specific affliction, such as eating disorders. These options have their severe limitations, including distorted data and conclusions.

Maybe Not Prevalent

By contrast are actual data on polyamory published in reputable journals. Admittedly, these studies are few in number, but one suggestive research is a survey of 19,385 U.S. high school students. Yale scholars Arielle White and colleagues investigated the labels students used to describe their gender and sexual identities. The high schoolers were diverse in terms of ethnic background, age, socioeconomic status, school types, and state of residence. They were invited to provide their own sexual or gender terms in an “open box” if the offered traditional ones (such as bisexual, trans, straight, gay) did not adequately describe them. The youths generated over 40,000 responses composing 62 different terms. Pansexual (n=386) and Asexual (n=217) were the most frequently added to the traditional list. The least likely to be added was Polyamorous (n=1), just below Celibate (n=2) and Omnisexual (n=2). This study raises serious questions about the supposedly high prevalence estimates made by other writers.

My Take

Polyamory may be an ideal arrangement for the Millennial and Zoomer generations, but few appear to be engaged in such an arrangement or identify as polyamorous. Do far more have the potential—that is, have a polyamory orientation—but are fearful to express it because of cultural prohibitions or parental restrictions? But then, we actually don’t know.

Polyamory Essential Reads

When Your Parents Are Polyamorous

Why Some Couples Choose Polyamory

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