Navigating Workplace Narcissists: Tips for Introverts

Office worker looking wired - with eyes wide open

Source: Robin Higgins / Pixabay / Used with permission

I couldn’t sleep, especially on Sunday nights, during my 12 years on Wall Street. My boss’ criticism was gnawing on my brain, blowing bubble gum bubbles out my ears, yet keeping me stuck to the pillow. Did it matter who was right or wrong? It was 3 a.m. and I was leafing through shoe catalogs as a diversion from the endless loop of my boss’s shrill screeds inside my head. According to her, everything I said was wrong – unless it was worthy of her repeating it, as her own, at meetings with her bosses.

If you can relate, let’s explore telltale triggers and how they may present themselves. I asked Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse, to share her expertise. Cole recently published the book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.

NA: How do you know someone is a narcissist?

CBC: Observe patterns of behavior over time. Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum and is characterized by grandiosity, superficiality, superiority, entitlement, interpersonal exploitativeness, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists, especially at work, are focused on self-promotion and self-serving goals. They want what’s best for them, not you or the company.

NA: Are narcissists more likely to target introverts than extroverts in the workplace?

CBC: Since introverts tend to be agreeable, they’re an easy target for narcissists, who tend to be disagreeable and antagonistic. So, while I wouldn’t say that narcissists target introverts more per se, narcissists do tend to exploit certain patterns that many introverts/empaths relate to, like overthinking, being easily guilted, second guessing yourself, and being sensitive to other’s feelings.

NA: Are narcissists typically abusive?

CBC: Narcissists often engage in psychologically and emotionally abusive behaviors, such as gaslighting, criticizing, manipulating, intimidating, and having angry outbursts. Essentially, narcissists are adult bullies. Research by Meier and Semmer (2013) found narcissists are more likely to instigate workplace incivility, including behaviors like harassment, ostracism, and being rude and disrespectful.

NA: How do you know you’ve been the target of a narcissist or of narcissistic abuse?

CBC: One of the first things you’ll notice is changes in your thinking. You ruminate a lot, pondering thoughts like “Did they say that?” Am I misremembering this?” “Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “It’s probably my fault.” You feel confused and find yourself getting lost in your own mind, replaying scenarios and overpreparing for future conversations. You’re always trying to make sense of things and feel shame that you can’t make things better. Research by Asrar-ul-Haq and Anjum (2020) confirms the negative impact of narcissists at work, finding that narcissistic leadership is linked to increased employee stress and decreased well-being.

Source: Yan Krukau / Pexels / Used with permission

NA: What are the most common “tells” that a boss or other colleague is a narcissist?

CBC: Narcissistic bosses are concerned about looking good to upper management and taking credit for their team’s successes. They’re difficult to work with, as they often change expectations, push you to meet unrealistic deadlines, and become antagonistic or demeaning if you question what they say. Narcissistic employees view their colleagues as competition. They inflate the significance of their efforts, directly or subtly engage in put-downs, and create lots of chaos, drama, and conflict. When they’re not getting the recognition they believe they deserve, they appear sullen, angry, victimized, or depressed. They expect everyone else to pick up their slack and contemptuously scoff if you hold them to the same standards as others.

NA: It seems as if narcissists can lurk the halls - and Zoom meetings - at any organization. Just curious, what percentage of the population are narcissists?

CBC: Lifetime prevalence rates of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are six percent. Based on the current U.S. population, that’s almost 20 million people! And because narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum, you don’t have to be diagnosed with NPD to cause damage.

NA: Yes, I can imagine that many narcissists haven’t sought help and aren’t diagnosed! Given the preponderance of narcissists in the workplace, what tips do you recommend in dealing with them? Any special angles for introverts – not to mention empaths and highly sensitive people?

CBC: Once you recognize that you’re dealing with a narcissist, your focus shifts from “What is happening?” to “What can I do?” Introverts are in a unique position to address this issue quite well, because many of the tips to manage narcissists fall in line with introverts’ natural strengths. It can help to write things down, plan an exit strategy, and shift the conversation.

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1. 

   Two well-manicured hands at a laptop in a professional setting

   Source: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels

   Get everything in writing.

Two well-manicured hands at a laptop in a professional setting

Source: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels

Narcissists are notorious for lying, denying, blame-shifting, and gaslighting. For in-person conversations, especially ones about work-related expectations, projects, or deadlines, send a follow-up email to confirm things that are discussed. As much as possible, minimize in-person communication and document your interactions.

1. Disengage from triggering or baiting comments.

Keep conversations focused on work-related topics and always have an exit strategy if the conversation turns antagonistic or gossipy. Statements like “Sorry, I have to make a call,” “Let me think about that,” or “That’s interesting! I’m not sure what to say” are great to keep in mind!

1. Shift the conversation back to the narcissist.

Fortunately for us, narcissists love to talk about themselves! Complimenting them (e.g., “That was a great idea!” “You really know how to give an effective presentation.”) or asking for their feedback (e.g., “What marketing strategy do you think is best?” “How do you manage your to-do list?”) are sure-fire ways to shift the conversation and and protect yourself from being targeted.

NA: I’m grateful to know I’m not alone in the emotional turbulence I’ve faced with narcissists. I hope your highly practical and evidence-based insights and tips will help others, especially introverts and empaths.

Copyright 2023 © Nancy Ancowitz